Student Essay Insanity #67!

Picture from Engrish Funny

Just when I think I've run out of material for another Student Essay Insanity post, I find a few more bloopers to share with readers. Not sure whether to laugh or cry about that. Anyhow, the following sentences are from a batch of practice essays from the students in my remedial Regents' Essay prep classes.

FYI: about twice a week, after having graded sample essays, I display the students' actual essays for the class via a multimedia projector and classroom computer (and I remove their names and identifying information before class). It's helping a little so far for students to see their own essays—and therefore their own mistakes—in a different context than on a piece of paper in front of them. Many students have commented that hearing feedback from other students is helpful as well. So this isn't a class where I have students write a crap-load of practice essays, give them zero feedback, and then make fun of them here on E&P. They get written and verbal feedback throughout the course, including at least two conferences with me in my office to discuss their progress and difficulties.

As always, these are real bloopers, from real essays, written by real students—and at least a few are real(ly) bad. I shit you not.

*********

• I missed class the day before so I came by to leave my doctor with my professor.
• My friend Jimmy was nice until his parents slit up.
• I hate being around negativity.
• My mother always thinks positive, and this makes her a more beautiful and loving woman than my father.
• There are three things imparticular that I would like to point out.
• My life would be very different without privet automobiles.
• My advice to any student starting high school is don’t expect to get hit on by girls. Also, to get out of there as soon as possible.
  
  

Chicken Monday: 3/29/10

The other night, I dreamed a long and complicated dream that involved

• my grandmother's old farm house in Booger County;
• a flood of epic proportions during which I was only slightly worried about getting washed away;
• the HKC's original bad-ass outdoor cat, Prue, giving birth to a litter of eight kittens (funny, since I got her spayed nearly ten years ago); and
• CHICKENS.

And I mean LOTS OF CHICKENS.

In real life, the river is nearly 15 miles away from my grandmother's house and would only reach southwestern Booger County in the event that Antarctica were to melt instantaneously. But in my dream, the flood waters were rising rapidly, the sky a foreboding mosaic of slate and cigarette-smoke grays, and the swordlike iris leaves in the flower bed under the bedroom window swayed back and forth in the warm yet increasingly strong wind from the oncoming storm that would finally bring the swollen river all the way to Maw-Maw's house.

And the chickens just kept appearing, from Foghorn-Leghorn-knows-where.

At first, I had just my four chickens—"top rooster" Leroy, sweet little Henrietta, and the two white Cornish Cross ogre-chickens who are nearly the size of turkeys. But as the winds kept blowing, and as my grandmother worried aloud about the waters that were surely lapping this way from the river in Boogerville and the backwater behind Small Town Dam, the chickens kept on appearing. Five or six Barred Rocks, a Black Australorp or two, a few Buff Orpingtons, a pair of Cuckoo Maran pullets laying their famous chocolate-brown eggs...before I knew what was going on, I had nearly two dozen hens walking calmly around me and clucking happily in soft little voices.

When I awoke, I just lay there in bed for a while, reveling in the dream's smells, sounds, and colors. And whatever it might symbolize, one thing is for sure:

I'm getting more chickens.

Graya: Oldest and bestest

Fourteen years ago, give or take a couple weeks, Graya was born in Booger County, GA. She's the grande dame here at the HKC, earning the nickname "Oldest-Bestest" over the years.

Friday Kittehs: 3/26/10

Here's a short video from Pixie's and my visit to Denver's own Animal Rescue and Adoption Society (ARAS) and their no-kill cat shelter. It was as if I'd died and gone to a kitteh-filled heaven. (And there are still more pictures to come!)



Thank you to Chris and all the other ARAS staffers—you're showing us all the true meaning of dedication and compassion!

Pupdate: He's ALL dog

Months after its original owner passed on, Lucky still manages to find (and roll all over) the smelly piece of armadillo shell near the banks of a small creek near the Happy Kitten Cottage.

That's my boy: 110% dog. [deep sigh]

Reasons for the unreasonable

I loved the way books looked, loved the way books smelled, loved that books made me forget. My favorites were The Diary of Anne Frank, The Yearling, Uncle Tom's Cabin: tales of grotesque cruelty and unbearable loss. That was precisely why I liked them. Even back then I understood the real purpose of literature. I didn't want to hear that people lived happily ever after. I wanted to know that other people suffered, too.

—from Parched by Heather King

An early sign of spring

The saucer magnolias are in glorious full bloom here in Small Town (that's USDA Zone 7b, for garden enthusiasts). Here's hoping we don't have a surprise hard freeze!

Friday Kittehs: 3/19/2010

While Pixie and I enjoyed a couple of hours at Denver's own Animal Rescue & Adoption Society (ARAS), Jenny here growled at the other cats who tried to muscle in on the snorgling—then purred like crazy in my lap. Of which, I might add, there wasn't quite enough for her large-and-in-charge "tick tabby" frame!

Kitteh Break!

Pixie & I visited the Animal Rescue & Adoption Society (ARAS) no-kill cat shelter while I was in Denver. This picture of sweet, pesky Derby is just one of many soon to be posted!

Hoam kthx

I'm safely home from Denver, and now back to work. Will post more tomorrow as soon as I have some free time.

HAPPY 61ST BIRTHDAY, MOM!

You all know our Mom.

Always in a good mood, and always willing to share it with others.

Even if she's long-suffering, beleaguered, even martyred in undertaking the Sisyphean tasks of sewing the amazing vintage-style fashions we demand of her.

Sometimes we get said amazing vintage-style fashions for Christmas.

Mom shares this kindness and enthusiasm with her kittehs, such as Fluffy (shown here, with a Double Wedding Ring quilt).

Even after a New Year's Eve double-whammy, full-tilt medical procedure (an endoscopy AND a colonoscopy! "Twenty-one!"), Mom still had the kindness and generosity to snuggle her grand-kitty Joy.

She was so relaxed, they both fell asleep. Thank you, Demerol!

Here's Seeben, holding Kamakura—and Mom, holding two bottles of wine—on my front porch. Nothing says class quite like an old lady bearing booze on your front porch. It's even more tasteful than a lawn jockey.

But even tough-as-nails Mom has a soft side. Even though she was dressed nicely to take Pixie back to the airport in December, she took half an hour to honor Melody with a proper burial after the sweet cat was struck and killed by a car near the Happy Kitten Cottage.

Fluffy was unmoved. Where's my dinner?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MOMMY!!!

Love,
Kitty & Pixie

Pictures by me (Miss Kitty). Captions by my sister, Mile High Pixie.

Mermaids and unicorns

Browsing in the magazine aisle at King Soopers (aka Kroger back East).

ME: The Colonel has a three-step plan for organizing my house.
PIXIE: [leafing through magazine] What's that?
ME: One: Rent a haul-away dumpster from the city. Two: Empty contents of house into dumpster. Three: Call city to pick up dumpster.
PIXIE: [looking at another magazine] That would work.
ME: Oooh! I should get this one!
PIXIE: Hmmm?
ME: Better Homes & Gardens' "Secrets to Getting Organized!"
PIXIE: [barely controlled snicker]
ME: Really—this might be useful!
PIXIE: And unrealistic.
ME: Whaddya mean, "unrealistic?"
PIXIE: Kitty, if you buy that magazine, it might as well be called "Mermaids & Unicorns."

Friday Kittehs: 3/12/2010

Halp, mai Ant Kitteh iz snorglin meh!

Snapshot from Denver

This mural of a famous photo of Johnny Cash adorns the parking lot wall of Bender's Tavern, on East 13th Avenue in Denver. It grabbed my attention so much that I had to take a picture.

Here's another (okay, and one more!) of my favorite photos of the Man in Black—may he rest in peace.

Food in Denver: Spring 2010

Try not to pass out—this makes three posts during Spring Break week.

Saturday night, Pixie, Guy, and I had dinner at The Fort, in Morrison, Colorado. Since 1962, this legendary establishment has served up Old West vittles with gourmet flair. The three of us agreed: the meal was extraordinary. Even Guy, whose fine dining standards are rather high, said that it ranked on his Best Eats Ever list. Much to the delight of the superb waitstaff, I took pictures of our food, and will post them later in the week.

On the boring and unremarkably pedestrian home front, I told Pixie and Guy that I'd make dinner a few nights this week. My cooking's not on par with that at the Fort, but it'll do. Sunday night was Monterey Chicken with Potatoes; Thursday night will be Taco Soup.

I learned English! Why can't everyone else?

TESOL Handy Hint #12:



No one "picks up" a second language by listening to the same words over and over again.

Even the most talented second-language learners benefit from conversation with and instruction from native speakers. In talking with other people, learners further figure out pronunciation, rhythm, intonation, and vocabulary.

Spring Break is here

And I am in Denver visiting my sister, and having a good time 1,500 miles away from my humdrum pedestrian life.

Posting may be sporadic, but only because we're out enjoying ourselves.

Saturday Kittehs: 3/6/2010

HAPPY 52ND BIRTHDAY, EL SEEBENO!

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, to the world's best stepfather: EL SEEBENO! I hope you have the best goddamn birthday in the whole universe!

The danger of the "service provider" model

Marc Bousquet speaks very eloquently to the de-professionalization of not just college teaching, but of many other types of work.

So far the most common examples for the average worker involve the donation of additional time represented by the ideology of professionalism. Workers not previously considered professional and not compensated like professionals now routinely donate countless hours to their employers: doing one’s email at 6 am, taking phone calls in the evening, writing reports on weekends, traveling and attending employer events on personal time, and so forth. Certainly the massification of higher education experience plays a role in this expansive professionalization-without-a-professional’s-paycheck.
—From My Credo

Bousquet's new book, How the University Works: Higher Education and the Low-Wage Nation, details why we should ALL be alarmed about the nationwide trend in "pseudo-corporate universities" that "exploit students from the moment they set foot on campus."

How many of you are comfortable being classified as "service providers?" I object very strongly to this line of thinking—just take a look at my comments in yesterday's post!—and am interested to hear what you have to say.

We could all use a laugh.

Especially after the shitty news that's endlessly streaming from both the D2U President's office and the Georgia State Legislature.

This was forwarded to me by a student, whose mother had first e-mailed it to her. Seems to have originated at New York University's business school—I hope it's authentic.

**********

Prof. Galloway,
I would like to discuss a matter with you that bothered me. Yesterday evening I entered your 6pm Brand Strategy class approximately 1 hour late. As I entered the room, you quickly dismissed me, saying that I would need to leave and come back to the next class. After speaking with several students who are taking your class, they explained that you have a policy stating that students who arrive more than 15 minutes late will not be admitted to class.

As of yesterday evening, I was interested in three different Monday night classes that all occurred simultaneously. In order to decide which class to select, my plan for the evening was to sample all three and see which one I like most. Since I had never taken your class, I was unaware of your class policy. I was disappointed that you dismissed me from class considering (1) there is no way I could have been aware of your policy and (2) considering that it was the first day of evening classes and I arrived 1 hour late (not a few minutes), it was more probable that my tardiness was due to my desire to sample different classes rather than sheer complacency. I have already registered for another class but I just wanted to be open and provide my opinion on the matter.
Regards,
xxxx
—
xxxx
MBA 2010 Candidate
NYU Stern School of Business
xxxx.nyu.edu
xxx-xxx-xxxx

And here's the reply!

From: [e-mail redacted]

To: “xxxx”
Sent: Tuesday, February 9, 2010 9:34:02 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: Re: Brand Strategy Feedback

xxxx:
Thanks for the feedback. I, too, would like to offer some feedback.

Just so I’ve got this straight…you started in one class, left 15-20 minutes into it (stood up, walked out mid-lecture), went to another class (walked in 20 minutes late), left that class (again, presumably, in the middle of the lecture), and then came to my class. At that point (walking in an hour late) I asked you to come to the next class, which “bothered” you.

Correct?

You state that, having not taken my class, it would be impossible to know our policy of not allowing people to walk in an hour late. Most risk analysis offers that in the face of substantial uncertainty, you opt for the more conservative path or hedge your bet (e.g., do not show up an hour late until you know the professor's explicit policy for tolerating disrespectful behavior; check with the TA before class, etc.). I hope the lottery winner that is your recently crowned Monday evening Professor is teaching "Judgment and Decision Making" or "Critical Thinking."

In addition, your logic effectively means you cannot be held accountable for any code of conduct before taking a class. For the record, we also have no stated policy against bursting into show tunes in the middle of class, urinating on desks or taking that revolutionary hair removal system for a spin. However, xxxx, there is a baseline level of decorum (i.e., manners) that we expect of grown men and women who the admissions department have deemed tomorrow’s business leaders.

xxxx, let me be more serious for a moment. I do not know you, will not know you, and have no real affinity or animosity for you. You are an anonymous student who is now regretting the send button on his laptop. It’s with this context I hope you register pause…REAL pause...and take to heart what I am about to tell you:

xxxx, get your shit together.

Getting a good job, working long hours, keeping your skills relevant, navigating the politics of an organization, finding a live/work balance…these are all really hard, xxxx. In contrast, respecting institutions, having manners, demonstrating a level of humility…these are all (relatively) easy. Get the easy stuff right, xxxx. In and of themselves they will not make you successful. However, not possessing them will hold you back and you will not achieve your potential which, by virtue of you being admitted to Stern, you must have in spades. It’s not too late, xxxx…

Again, thanks for the feedback.
Prof. Galloway

$565 million

It looks as if all non-tenure-track jobs are on the chopping block here at Division II University, especially with the news that the state will be cutting $565 million, not $300 million, from higher-ed funding. So every one of us that makes it possible for tenure-track PhD people to teach upper-division & major courses will be gone.

Dr. D. Ingle Berry* sent out his list of changes on Saturday. Nearly every one of these cost-cutting measures puts D2U out of compliance with SACS, our accrediting board. And if we lose SACS accreditation, a D2U diploma won't even be worth the paper it's written on.

Stay tuned.

NOTE: This whole debacle isn't the fault of the tenure-track people. They have PhDs for a reason: to teach in their specialities, and to teach all those courses that their students need for their upper-division requirements. (I freaking LOVE teaching Comp I and II, so it works out well for me.) The fault here lies with a state legislature that doesn't know its ass from a hole in the ground, and a university president and provost who, like vampires, answer only to their own blood-lust—and who are incapable of empathy, especially for students who don't care to earn a "diploma mill" college degree.