"We don't need no more damn cats!"

You talk a good game, Mom and El Seebeno, but we know how you roll.

I'm buying TWO sets!

Look what I found at FailBlog!

Fellow profs, don't we all need these? I'm getting two sets—one for the office, and one for home. Here's the link to this FailBlog post if you're interested.

Something damn useful to buy on this Black Friday—who would have thought?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2008 FROM E&P!

Joy is thankful for a Mama to whom she can give the side-eye—especially after last week's video.

Martha Ann is thankful that she can be disappointed in everything.

[sigh]
Yeah.

Outdoor kittehs are thankful for two square meals a day, and the safety of the HKCs front porch.

Fred is thankful for a warm sweater in Mama's computer chair.

Hobo Kitty and Melody are thankful for a warm bed on which they can ignore each other.

Graya is thankful to have a place to scratch her ear—and that someone rescued her little five-week-old self off the side of a dusty country road 13 years ago.

Davey (aka Shithook) is thankful for his evilness.

Ernest is thankful for his evil big brother...

...and his sweet, tubby, loving brother, too.

Clark is thankful his Mama will let him out to play...

...and let him back in, too.

Me? I'm thankful for my awesome family, my wonderful friends, my crazy kittehs, and my faithful readers. Happy Thankgiving to all of you, from all of us!

The fridge is clean

And it was an ugly job getting it that way.

This photo by itself could be a highly successful ad for anti-depressants.

It took some serious cleaning supplies to get the job done. Not pictured here: OxiClean and Bac-Out.

I took the crisper drawers outside, since they were full of juice from six-month-old carrots, mozzarella cheese, and salad mix, and the smell was making me gag.

And kittehs helped, of course.

Why Emmylou isn't vomiting is beyond me.

It's clean now, much more organized, and smells much better.

The freezer? Ha. It'll have to wait—there's dressing and corn souffle to be made Thanksgiving morning.

E&P will be right back!

Folks, I'm cleaning out my refrigerator this lovely Wednesday morning, and will post something timely as soon as I'm done. Check back around noon Eastern Time this evening. Sorry for the delay.

What would YOU do?

Here's the scenario:

You tell your students in class AND via e-mail that it's VERY important for them to be in class for the couple of meetings before Thanksgiving Break—during these class sessions, you say/write, you'll be giving out important information about the final essay, an analysis of a music video of their choosing. You'll also be showing a documentary about music videos, and in order to do a good job analyzing their videos, they really need to be in class to see this video. You tell them, "If you're leaving to go home for Thanksgiving, wait until after my class. It's essential that you be there to get this info and watch the film."

But about one-third of your students don't show up.

Do you put the documentary DVD on reserve in the library so they can watch it when they return? Or do you tell them to blow it our their collective ear?

UPDATE: Longtime reader Faded has introduced LEMMING FAIL, which should definitely be a new category of EPIC FAIL. Somehow, I predict we'll be seeing a lot of LEMMING FAIL this semester. Don't ask why—it's just my gut feeling.

I feel really, really old.

I'm in the computer lab today with my students. The room is strangely quiet as they type furiously on this in-class essay project. Ahh, I love hearing brains at work first thing in the morning.

I notice one student stretch his arms over his head, and I can read his Pink Floyd t-shirt. Beneath the prism and rainbow, it reads, TOUR 1973.

He was born in 1989.

Myrtle Mae Monday: 11/24/08

Back from the mountains

The Colonel whisked me away to the North Georgia mountains this weekend for a much-needed getaway. We had a blast.

A post on the trip is soon to come—until then, here's a picture of a spoiled little dog who didn't understand what that lady was doing snuggling with his Daddy.

More Joy

NOTE: No kittehs were harmed in the making of this video—but one was seriously pissed off.

I've been tagged!

Longtime E&P reader Sandy over at Curly's Corner has tagged me in her Seven Weird Book Facts meme. Here are some rules:
--Share seven random or weird Book Facts about yourself.
--Then tag seven other people.
--Notify the seven others that they have been tagged.

Okay! So here goes.

1. The scariest book I ever read was It by Stephen King.
2. As a child, I read the dictionary and World Book Encyclopedia for fun. That's probably why I'm so good at Trivial Pursuit.
3. I haven't read any of the Harry Potter books.
4. I'm currently reading Our Father, Who Art In Hell by James Reston, Jr. It's a fascinating, novel-like account of the tragic, murderous end of the People's Temple in Jonestown, Guyana, on November 18, 1978.
5. While reading Pat Conroy's The Prince of Tides, I had to put it down about every 20 minutes and regain my composure. The book is that disturbing, that powerful.
6. I love marking up books—that's how I best absorb the material, by making notes in the text. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to mark in a borrowed book (library or someone else's).
7. Literature anthologies are some of my favorite reading. I've read the first edition of Robert DiYanni's book and Michael Meyer's Bedford Introduction to Literature (8th ed.) each at least two dozen times. I love having a wide range of genres and authors all together in one volume.

So that's seven. Who's next?

• Mile High Pixie at Why Architects Drink
• CrankyLitProf at Cranky Epistles
• Shay at Little Gray Bungalow
• Charissa at Wonky Quilting
• Xtine at Life's Good
• Ms. Kitty at Ms. Kitty's Saloon and Road Show
• Wide Lawns at Wide Lawns and Narrow Minds
  
  

Joy. And a stapler.

So I was trying to photograph an ancient stapler to sell on eBay, and Joy thought she'd, umm, "help."

None of these pix made it into my eBay listing. I probably would've had to say "kitteh not included" if they had.

Fire down the spine!

And the sacrum! And the hip! And the thigh! And the inside of the right knee!

That's right—I have sciatica, and it sure does hurt. I had it from time to time while I was dancing at the Jaguar Lounge, but it was pretty minor compared to this. I must have thrown something out of whack in my back over the weekend; I spent much of my time cleaning the Happy Kitten Cottage and carrying big bags of trash to the curb. Mom and Steve helped me drag an old mattress set outside.

Whatever I did, it hurts. On a scale of 1 to 10, this is about a 5—not excruciating, but enough to get and keep my attention. Standing up and lying down help most, and cold packs do too. The exercises have yet to kick in.

It'll pass soon enough, but it makes life tough for now.

UPDATE: This could also be piriformis. A visit to the doctor will tell for sure.

Student Essay Insanity #53!

While I promised you some awesome Regents' Exam bloopers last week, I simply had to put up these two goofy sentences from students in my Comp classes. Their awfulness is irresistible.

The latest essays have been about prejudice and political correctness, among other topics, and these sentences made me stop and ask, "WTF?" The students' bloopers are in boldface letters, while my comments are below them in italics. And, as always, they're real essays, written by real students. I shit you not.

**********

It is not the color or the skin that makes you who you are, but by the impact you can make on others incentives.
Say what?

PC has taken over the media in all areas - newspaper, television, radio, and magazines. Many things won't go into print or on the air if they could offend someone in any way, shape, or form.
Evidently, you haven't been watching Fox News!

Myrtle Mae Monday: 11/17/08

Yeah, this whole uploading-videos-to-YouTube has me pretty excited. I'll try not to overdo it.

You saw it with your own eyes.

Moar kittehs 4 yu!

These are all from when Mom & Steve were installing my new water line. Kittehs "helped" quite a bit, as you can no doubt tell. Mom says that the kittehs also laughed at her as she struggled around under the house—and knowing kittehs like I do, they probably did.

Still nothing.

This is scary. I don't have a damn thing to post. Nothing, y'all.

So here's a picture of Kamakura sneaking around the yard while Mom and Steve were installing the new water line here at the HKC. Yes, there will be a post on that whole shenanigan—when my creativity rolls back into town.

I have nothing to post. Again.

Seriously, people—the creative well is dry, dry, dry. So I offer you some pictures of my latest money-making scheme: selling some of my old stripper costumes on eBay. All of the items below have sold in the last week.

It's amazing what folks will buy off the internet.

Student Essay Insanity #52!

Fall 2008's Georgia Regents' Exam has come and gone, and now professors like me are in the thick of grading essays for the next ten days. While I usually post students' blunders, this time I'm posting the Regents' blunders—namely, some of the inane questions on this semester's test.

I asked my Regents' Essay Prep students to drop by my office or e-mail me to let me know how their exams went. The topics below are real topics from the Regents' Exam official website, and were all reported to me by my students as having been on the exam. And boy, are these awful. I shit you not.

**********

• Why is your favorite celebrity famous? Explain.
• Why are some people reluctant to intervene when they witness a crime? Discuss.
• Why do people today not seem to know how to listen? Explain.
• Explain why you like or dislike shopping.
• Is there someone in your family you wish you weren’t related to? Explain.
• Do you think academic competition between students is a good thing? Agree or disagree.
• Do you think the advertisement of alcoholic beverages should be banned from television? Discuss.
• What is your most prized possession? Why? (Do NOT write about a person.)
• Why do people play practical jokes? Explain.
• Americans generally condemn daydreaming as a waste of time. Do you agree with this view, or do you see some benefits of daydreaming? Discuss.
  
  

On Veterans' Day

There is no way for me to know why people sign up for the military, or what serving is like—what combat is like. I have resigned myself to this.

There is no way for me to know what goes through the Colonel's mind when he hears a sad song about old soldiers—and bursts into tears. All I can do is hug him.

There is no way for me to know why my former-military students—who have seen things in Vietnam, Kosovo, Iraq, and Afghanistan that are beyond anything I could ever imagine—keep on slogging through life, and have managed not to let their souls eddy and clog with despair, fear, hopelessness, and rage. I am glad that they are still here.

Thank you, veterans.

Lazy post-birthday

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. It was a nice one, and 35 is a good age to be. We kept things pretty low-key around here, and I was relaxed and happy.

On Thursday, the Colonel sent me a dozen roses—I've never gotten flowers at work before.

He also took me to lunch on Friday, as Saturday was my Spa Day.

The massage, manicure, and pedicure were great. My toes are now "A Oui Bit of Red" by OPI.

Even little orange kittehs liked my pedicure! NOM teh toez!

I went and got chocolate cupcakes with buttercream frosting. I can eat them much more quickly than I might a full-size cake. And Mom will be getting a few of these, too.

Myrtle Mae Monday: 11/10/08

The whole time Mom and Steve were working on the HKC's water supply line...

...well, okay, the whole time they were mostly working...

...even the little kittehs were helping.

But what was Myrtle Mae doing?

Sitting beneath the patio table, taking it easy.

Talk about a chicken who's got it made.

Birfday!

Today's my 35th birthday! HOORAY!

I'm treating myself to a massage, manicure, and pedicure this morning, and will be going to Mom & Steve's this evening for my favorite birthday dinner: chicken curry. And one of us will pick up teh caek. YAYZ! (Pic above from I Can Haz Cheezburger?)

Help Miss Kitty decorate!

A few weeks ago, I bought a nice brass floor lamp at another professor's yard sale—I've been needing better lighting in my office for a while now. This is the shade that came with it. It's rather old and flimsy, and really needs new life breathed into it, so to speak.

I want to re-work this lampshade to make it fit with my Redneck Office theme, but all my ideas so far just aren't making me say "Ah-HA!" What do you suggest? Armed with a glue gun and a gift certificate to Michaels—or a pickup-truck ride down to the local dump!—how would you make this lamp your very own Trailer Park Special?

Showdown at the HKC

Emmylou, Dolly, and Tiger Lily are all six months old and about to go into heat—which means that the constant parade of neighborhood tomcats is in full swing. However, all five of my young kittehs, both Ernge's and Stripe's babies, will be going to the vet for their spay/neuter appointments within the next couple weeks.

I desperately looooove little baby kittehs, but don't want the ones I can get to having litter after litter, and starving in the streets of Small Town.

Forgive my speechlessness.

I spent most of last night biting my nails and listening to election news, so I have nothing funny or cute to post today.

But I do offer you this: I've never before been so proud and happy to be an American citizen.

And I also offer this post from my dear friend Wide Lawns. Her thoughts on the American political climate are so sharp. Here's to more critical thought, more respect, and more kindness toward others in our political discussions. [raising coffee mug]

And another note: Thanks to all of you, GOP and Dem, who've posted respectful, kind, and considerate comments. As my sister said, "What we all need right now is civility while we disagree, [and] common ground on which ALL can stand."

Calm discussion, not bullshit, is what I'm after.

He's a joker, he's a smoker, he's a midnight toker

He Tries for Office on the Run

And this is all I have to post on Election Day. Hope you've all gone and cast your ballots.

Myrtle Mae Monday: 11/03/08

Trust me, people: if I'd had these pictures on Halloween, they would've been in that day's post.

Myrtle Mae enjoys chowing down on a leftover Chick-fil-A sandwich...

...while kittehs get only the bun.

Now you've seen it with your very own eyes—chickens really will eat just about anything besides citrus. MM is a wonderful, yet rather creepy and ghoulish, little creature.

Money from hats!

During breakfast this morning at Waffle House, Mom sold one of her legendary fleece hats to a waitress there. Such warmth and cuteness for only $8!

Mom is indeed wearing one of these hats. She makes them from poly fleece and lines them with flannel scraps. She's made a few in quilted cotton fabric with elegant faux fur trim, and they really get noticed.

She'll be making a few more, and we'll give eBay a shot. Oh, and E&P readers are welcome to order hats, too.

UPDATE: I've registered with Etsy, the site to go to when you want to buy handmade things. This and eBay should give Mom plenty of opportunity to get the word out about her handiwork.

Monthly Overall Evaluation

I got the following from Mom a few years ago, and stumbled on it while cleaning out my suitcase (don't ask). Kind of reminds me of the Work Ethics Forms we had to fill out on every student at Tiny Technical College. I just wish I could've worded my responses like this!

**********

Monthly Overall Evaluation

Name: _____________ Date: _______________

KNOWLEDGE
____This son-of-a-bitch really knows his shit.
____Knows just enough to be dangerous.
____Only half a brain and IS dangerous.
____Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has a higher IQ.

ACCURACY
____Does excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy.
____Pretty good. Only occasionally blows it out his ass.
____Has to take off his shoes to count higher than 10.
____Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.

ATTITUDE
____Extremely cooperative (if you kiss his ass frequently).
____Brown-noser in good standing.
____Often pisses off co-workers. Thinks he owns the place.
____Doesn't give a shit—never did, never will.

RELIABILITY
____Really, a dependable little cocksucker.
____Works so hard that he has to take an extra day off each week.
____Can rely on him to be the first one out the door.
____Totally fucking worthless.

APPEARANCE
____Extremely neat. Even combs his pubic hair.
____Looks great on his days off.
____Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him.
____A dirty, filthy, smelly fucker.

PERFORMANCE
____Goes like a son-of-a-bitch if there's any money in it for him.
____Does all kinds of good shit at evaluation time.
____Works well after an enema.
____Couldn't do less if he were in a coma.

LEADERSHIP
____Carries a chainsaw and gets good results.
____Macho attitude. Commands total disgust.
____Dog fasted for three days last time he brought home pork chops.
____Mother Teresa told him to get fucked.

I understand that I have been evaluated. I further acknowledge that I am as fucked up as a football bat, and I will make an attempt to correct my deficiencies.

______________________________
Employee Signature