I can't even imagine.

In yesterday afternoon's Regents' Exam Prep class, I took an informal survey: "How many of you can't wake up without the help of caffeine?"

Of 18 students, about one-third raised their hands. The other 12 sat just there. "You mean to tell me most of you don't have to have coffee, or a soda, or an energy drink first thing in the morning?" The non-caffeinated students just shook their heads. "Wow."

Dr. C*, my general practitioner, would like for me to give up caffeine. A few months ago, I started on lisinopril—high blood pressure medication.

I am 34 years old.

The hypertension, says Dr. C*, is most likely due to heredity and stress, and we began putting together the pieces of the puzzle. I'm no longer taking oral contraceptives, which should help the blood pressure some, and have begun an exercise program. Once I quit caffeine, Dr. C* tells me, I might be able to get off of the lisinopril entirely. And that sure would be nice.

But my question is: how the hell does anyone stop needing caffeine? In the past when I've tried to quit, the headaches have been horrific, and the afternoon sleepiness beyond belief. How the hell do those students in my class—who range in age from 20 to 48—manage not to need it? Did they just never start the habit?

What must it be like not to need caffeine to get rolling in the morning? I can't even imagine.

Myrtle Mae Monday: 09/29/08

In today's installment of Myrtle Mae Monday, I give you more photos from last week's blueberry feast.

The power of trains

I love trains.

When my parents divorced, Mom moved to D2U City and rented a tiny apartment in the Historic District. Her place was half a block from where the hundred-year-old train tracks crossed through the neighborhood, and at night I'd fall asleep to the sounds of wheels on rails, of the squeal of metal on metal, of far-away and close-by horns. Trains were going places, places a long ways away from my small-town existence, and my daydreams moved with them as they rumbled across the rails in front of me, or in my imagination.

Today, I live one block from the tracks in Small Town, and I can feel the rumbles of the BNSF or Canadian Northern or CSX in my pillow as I sleep at night. When I'm in the yard talking on the cell phone, whoever's on the other end will often say, "Oh, I can hear the train." After all, it's just 600 feet away.




You can see more awesome train/auto wrecks here, here, here, and here.

Please, folks: obey the railroad crossing signals. They're there for a reason—to save lives.

We were all horrified by the terrible MetroLink train accident that happened in California a few weeks ago—it no doubt serves as a tragic reminder of the beauty and power of locomotives.

Toes!

Two weeks ago: peacock blue

One week ago: shiny copper

This week: Bubblegum pink

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PIXIE AND GUY!

Happy birthday to my sister/best friend Mile High Pixie! And my brother-in-law, Mile High Guy! I givz yu a LOL for ur birfday!

You can see more animals through the link, at I Can Has Cheezburger.

Student Essay Insanity #49!

Just in time to make your Tuesday go a little faster—or is that "slow it down?"—here's another installment of Student Essay Insanity! Damn, I should trademark that phrase.

These are, yet again, snippets from the summer's Regents' Essay Exam grading session. The prompts are in bold type, and the bad/funny/poorly-thought-out sentences are in plain type. Any comments from me are bracketed and in italics. And, of course, they're real essays, written by real students...and they're real(ly) bad. I shit you not.

**********

Is there any job you would absolutely refuse to take? What is it, and why?
A nurse has to be a special person, and I am not that person.
[Okay, that was just funny.]

For what qualities or achievements would you feel justified in calling an individual successful? Explain.
But for other societies, they describe a success as to how many wives or children a man is untitled to.

What steps should be taken to reduce the number of drunk drivers? Discuss.
There are many steps the United States government can force to reduce drunk drivers. This issue has be hamdle in a serious but caution manner, resulting positive output. Drunk drivers has cause many deaths over the years, and is a very serious problem that has to be reslove. Drunk drivers should not be punish with harsh jail-time, but should be required to take class to show the danger in drinking and driving.

Myrtle Mae Monday: 09/22/08

Mom, I did NOT peck any kittehs.

Would this face lie to you?

Never mind the kitteh. Look at the face.

I was just minding my own business, like I always do. I wasn't even thinking about kittehs, let alone pecking any.

And I did not peck this kitteh, either. My wing to Horus, I didn't.

Even though I like having the blueberries all to myself.

KittehWatch: Day 166

Remember the last KittehWatch, where I caught Ernge's nearly-grown babies nursing on their long-spayed Mama? And how I wrote that I'd seen Emmylou trying to nurse on her brother, but couldn't take a picture right then? And that I'd probably catch them later?

Well. Looky here.

Kinky kittehs.

Emmylou started it. Then Merle lay down, looking like he was about to snuggle, but also like he was about to nurse. Little Dolly is sneaking around Waylon's tail. She's thinking about nursing, too.

I think Ernge was on the front porch while all this was going on. Good for her.

Dolly never got in there to nurse. Merle just snuggled and purred. It was Emmylou who was the main oral-fixated kitteh here.

Waylon didn't seem to mind. Well, for about five minutes, anyway.

Your eyes deceive you not—I did not pose those kittehs.

And naturally, Squirrel—who witnessed the whole shenanigan—is much more disappointed than usual.

What Would Jesus Drive?

Over Labor Day Weekend, Mom and I went to a large local arts-and-crafts fair. We went to look at the gorgeous handiwork, maybe buy a few Christmas gifts, and gorge on fair goodies such as boiled peanuts, fried fruit pies, funnel cakes, divinity, and homemade fudge. Did you know that if you don't annually consume at least one funnel cake, the Fair Police come to your home and arrest you? It's true.

So Mom and I were intent on keeping our happy butts out of jail, and we drove to the fair in the blazing late-August heat. Since we didn't arrive until well after lunchtime, we had to park waaaay out in the pasture next door to the fair and walk to the gate. It was probably a good quarter-mile to the entrance, but we figured we could use the exercise. So we walked along, making wisecracks as usual, when something caught my eye.

"Oh, good GAWD!" I blurted.

"No pun intended," said Mom.

I shit you not.

And of course it had to be a big, gas-guzzling Z71 pickup. Wonder how many gallons to the mile that gets? Chevy Valdez, anyone?

You'd know it. What was that quote about fascism, crosses, and flags again?

Just in case you didn't get a good view in that first pic, it even has little crosses with the JESUS cut-outs.

This mess is about par for the course here in Small Town. [deep sigh]

I'm thinking Jesus would drive something humble and fuel-efficient, if He drove. Or maybe He'd just ride a donkey, or walk. Those modes of transportation seemed to work pretty well for Him way back when.

I sure do wish folks would stop telling the world that they're Christians, and start showing it.

Hello, I'm Johnny Cat.

Otherwise known as the Cat in Black.

Say hello to the Happy Kitten Cottage's newest (outdoor) resident.

Stuff I think about while driving down the road

NOTE: If you are eating or have a queasy stomach, you may want to skip this post for now.

For real: maybe I should've been a dermatologist. All things skin-related interest me. I can look at pictures of skin conditions on WebMD or Wikipedia for hours without getting grossed out. Rather, I get more and more curious: how did this person get this skin condition? What will treat it? How can the person deal with any social anxiety that the skin problem might be causing them? Will it scar, and if so, how badly? What pharmaceuticals AND alternative treatments (diet, vitamins, sunlight, etc.) might help this condition? Why does the skin condition come back? Is it too late for med school? And so on. Acne is especially interesting to me, in all its forms from clogged pores to major pustules. You read that correctly. Acne.

Oh, P. acnes, you are gross to so many, but fascinating to me.

So as I drive down the road, these questions flash through my mind.

• Why do clogged pores tend to stay that way? Why do they clog up again after extraction?


• I mean, they're not like the boys' toilet at P.S. 108.


• Or are they?


• There's got to be a way to clear out pores and keep them that way.


• Bloop-bloop. Squiiiiit!


• Why doesn't the hair follicle die when the pore gets clogged and forms a zit? Isn't a zit a small infection?


• How about a needle to draw out the goo by very fine suction?


• Because those silly hand-held ZitVac thingys don't work. Even if you steam your face first.


• And extraction gets old fast.


• Bloop-bloop. Squiiiiit!


• Or is there an enzyme, a chemical, you could use to dissolve pore goo?


• What about the zits that don't really look like zits—just a small bump under the skin, not even a whitehead, but when you squeeze it, it goes pyoooooowowowowwowwww and surprises the hell out of you with goo everywhere?


• Man, I looove Biore Pore Strips.


• Bloop-bloop. Squiiiiit!


• Looks like little trees, like Bob Ross' "happy little trees" all over the strip.


• What causes those biiiig clogged pores?


• Like, the ones some people have that are the size of a pencil lead?


• And they stay that way for years?


• Man, I soooo need a medical facial.


• Bloop-bloop. Squiiiiit!
  
  

Student Essay Insanity #48!

Good Lord! We're just about to the end of this set of priceless bloopers from the summer's Regents' Essay Exam rating sessions. Thankfully, I'm teaching a couple sections of the Regents' Essay remedial class this semester, so there'll be more bloopers when we've exhausted this batch.

As usual, the prompts are in bold type, and the bad/funny/poorly-thought-out sentences are in plain type. Any comments from me are bracketed and in italics. And, of course, they're real essays, written by real students...and they're real(ly) bad. I shit you not.

**********

Discuss the image of women presented in music videos.
My mother would always say “Child those women in the videos are only there to shake the butts.”

For what qualities or achievements would you feel justified in calling an individual successful? Explain.
But for other societies, they describe a success as to how many wives or children a man is untitled to.

Some people have argued that zoos are inhumane, that keeping animals captive is wrong. Discuss why you agree or disagree.
Zoos often rescue animals from their natural habitat. Most zoos treat animals like royalty, they get special treatment not found in the wild.

Explain why people continue to do things that are harmful to them.
Funny thing about this essay: the person who wrote it talked about his aunts' smoking habits, except his/her handwriting made a lowercase a look like a lowercase c. Until I figured that out, I thought the writer had four cunts on his mom’s side of the family, and all of those cunts were smokers.

Myrtle Mae Monday: 09/15/08

Myrtle Mae Monday will be updated this evening—sorry for the delay has now been updated.

All together now:


On the railing,
The wrought-iron railing
The chicken sleeps toniiiiiight
OOOOON the railing,
The worn-out railing
The chicken sleeps toniiiiight....



But during the day? Everyone clears a path when they see Myrtle Mae coming.

Uhh, lady? This water bowl's filthy. Fetch me some fresh water. And step on it!

Hmmm, tasty earwig there.

Mom, when are you going to paint these damn doors? They've been out here for over a month.

Is that Davey I hear? Thought I felt the ground shake.

Nah, just poor disappointed Squirrel back there.

I'm bored. Wonder what I can do today? Besides peck the ground and raise hell at kittehs?

Wait a minute...

Where did I put it?

Gotta be in here somewhere...

Ha! There it is, in her secret hiding place!

I knew I'd find that truck key somewhere. Now, how do I get to Pullet's Tavern?

KittehWatch: Day 158

Ernge's kittehs are still nursing, despite the fact they are nearly six months old, and their Mama got spayed about a month ago. It must be a comfort thing.

The picture isn't the best, but you can see that Emmylou is still nursing on her Mama, even though poor Ernge has sat up and is awaiting my coming out the back door. Merle sits sweetly nearby, for once not nursing on Ernge.

Before I snapped this pic, I sighted Emmylou nursing on her brother, Waylon (the flame-point-mix kitteh). At the time, though, I was talking to Mom on my camera phone and couldn't snap a photo. But I'm sure I'll catch them again pretty soon.

Dr. Energizer Comes to D2U

Dr. Billings*, the wise and fair-minded fellow who was president of Division II University for over 20 years, retired a few months ago. When he announced his upcoming retirement in Fall 2007, D2U set in motion the search committee for Dr. Billings' replacement. Quite a few bright and able people applied for the position, and the decision was a tough one to make.

Dr. Energizer* is our new president. He has a Ph.D. in some sort of business field—marketing? Accounting? Hell, I can't remember—and came to us from an out-of-state Division II college. New employees and old-timers alike were a little wary of this fellow, and naturally so; we'd known Dr. Billings* and his style of management for 23 years, and had no idea what changes the new guy would bring.

Dr. Energizer*? Oh. I call him that because he really is like the Energizer Bunny. He's on 110% of the time, always go-go-go-GO!, always talking and coming up with new ideas. In other words: he's a manager. A business manager. "I'm not sure where we're going with this fella," one of my colleagues remarked about Dr. E*, "but I know we're going somewhere."

As are many states right now, Georgia is in the midst of a serious budget shortfall. All departments in state government have been asked to come up with plans to cut their budgets by at least 6%, and perhaps even as much as 10%. This, as you can imagine, has been no easy task. D2U, too, has had to cut back significantly on even the essentials: paper, new computers, new part-timers to teach the 14 professor-less sections of Comp that students so desperately needed but couldn't get. We're in a hiring freeze, and have seen some layoffs that have even the best and most popular instructors worried.

The problem with the University System of Georgia is a simple one: we're never given the money we need to accomplish the goals for which the Board of Regents decides we should aim. When we fall short of a goal, we get a stick: "Bad colleges! BAD! Do better, or no money for you!" When we achieve a goal through our own wiliness and ingenuity—no help from the BOR, thank you very much—the BOR acts as if we've done nothing, and takes full credit for our accomplishments. (Sound familiar to any of you?)

Some of the old farts sitting on the Board of Regents welcomed Dr. Energizer's* arrival at D2U. They thought he'd be able to help us weather the financial storm that the whole university system's in right now. And they were partially right.

So Dr. Energizer*, almost as soon as he unpacked his bags in D2U City, set about finding ways to bring in more revenue. And that, my friends, is code for shaking the students down for even more money.

It now seems that there will be arbitrary fees added to each course a student takes—whether English, math, history, chemistry, or whatever. The way Dr. Energizer* sees it, an extra $50 here and there isn't such a big deal, and with the big jump in enrollment we've seen since the recession began, we'll be in the black in no time.

Except for one thing: many students come to D2U and stay local because they can't afford to go away to college. The money just isn't there in their families. What will they do when even an educational bargain, a hidden gem, like D2U is out of their reach? For quite a few of my students, even $100 extra per semester is too much to ask.

Dr. Energizer* has put forth a few propositions like this, and thankfully the longtime admin and faculty leaders have reined him in. But this newest proposal has many people wondering just what the hell we've gotten ourselves into by hiring this guy.

The newest idea? Beginning in Fall '09, all scholarship students will be required to live on campus. ALL.

The e-mail sent out to all faculty went something like this (and I paraphrase): We want our most talented students on campus and fully involved at all times, and the way to accomplish this is to have all scholarship recipients living in Campus Housing.

Is that even legal?

First of all: most scholarship students are broke as it is. Demanding that they live on campus in order to get money for school—squeezing them for even more money they don't have—may well keep them from attending D2U. Now, as to athletes, I can understand. The University of Georgia requires its athletes to live in McWhorter Hall for at least the first two years of their scholarships. And for our foreign students, so far away from home and in an unfamiliar country, on-campus housing is a great idea. But everyone else?

How about the students who get small scholarships, $500 or less? Will they too have to live on campus? How about the students who are on the HOPE Scholarship, and live at home with their families to save money on lodging and meals? Or the students who make the long drive over from Alabama every day, and who decided on D2U because it's such a great educational value? Sorry, kids, that'll be $7500 extra each year for a dorm room and meals. How about married students with kids who are on scholarship? Or students who live at home and take care of an ailing sibling or parent? Or students who are unemployed and barely scraping by as they earn their degrees?

So much for that value. So much for our skyrocketing enrollment rate. So much for all the students happy they stayed near home and attended D2U. "I wish I could've taken that D2U scholarship, but I can't afford to live on campus."

One faculty member summed it up really well (and I paraphrase): I wish that our new president would completely think through new regulations before trying to implement them.

We shall see where Dr. Energizer* leads us next. Probably somewhere involving a handbasket.

Unexpected e-hugs

Last week, I sent out an e-mail to my Tiny Technical College students, apologizing for the awful job I've done this quarter and explaining to them that my full-time job had been taking up all my time. I knew that Dr. Ford* and Crazy Betty* were ready to draw and quarter me—some students had been complaining—but I didn't particularly care about them. I wanted my students to know what was going on. So I wrote them a very honest and direct note:

I'm getting ready to turn the class over to another instructor after the end of this quarter, and I apologize for the spotty instruction you folks have received; I'm a full-time professor at Division II University, and that full-time job has me so busy that I can't do an excellent job at online teaching. ... [end-of-term details here] I apologize once again for all the trouble, worry, and doubt I’ve caused you folks this quarter. You deserve the very best online class and teacher, and I have simply done a terrible job.

What I didn't expect were the kind-hearted e-mails I got back:

• *gives you a hug* It's ok you are doing your best!
• Hey it's ok. I'm working 2 jobs right now AND trying to go to school, so I know what you're dealing with.
• Don't worry, Prof. Kitty! You just bit off more than you could chew.
• You're not a bad teacher, just really busy. I understand!
• Glad to have had you as my teacher—I know how it goes sometimes. I work at three different fire departments, myself.
• Really, Miss K, I don't have any complaints. This course/quarter has been fine, and I wish I could take your class at D2U.

It's not Tiny Tech I'll miss; it's students like these.

No girlfriend for you, buddy!—EPIC FAIL Week #23

Monday morning found me in a pretty good mood. I was prepared for class and excited about teaching Comp I first thing, and I got to the classroom a little early to get the computer and projector cued up for what I needed to show the class. A few students had already come in and were talking about their weekends. I looked up to see how many I had so far out of 24.

But a young man's t-shirt caught my eye:

BEST THINGS ABOUT WOMEN:
1. Pussy
2. Tits
3. Ass
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

I shit you not. That was on his t-shirt. The guy wore it to class.

I couldn't say anything for a minute—I was completely stunned. I mean, I've seen college students wear some obnoxious t-shirts, but this took the cake. My mind began spinning. Should I ignore it? Say something? I knew I needed to say something, because this guy's shirt was simply inappropriate. But how to deal with it in class? What obnoxious thing about men could I put on a t-shirt? Maybe BEST THINGS ABOUT MEN, leaving items 1-10 blank? Or maybe I could tell a couple man-bashing jokes: What's the difference between a man and a vibrator? (A vibrator can't mow the lawn.) Why do men have brains? (So they won't hump your leg at parties.)

I realized I was staring. Hard. The young man felt my eyes on him and looked up. "Yes, ma'am?" he said. I hadn't expected a "ma'am" out of someone wearing a shirt like that.

"Your shirt," I said.

"My shirt?" He looked down and then looked at me.

"Do you—I mean—do you honestly, honestly think you are going to get ANY female action wearing that?"

He chuckled and looked embarrassed. Guess he hadn't thought that far ahead. What if he were to meet the love of his teenage life today? She'd probably turn up her nose at him. Or kick him in the balls, one.

The young women sitting around him turned to look at his shirt, rolled their eyes, and gave him disgusted looks. A couple scooted their chairs away from him. The young men in that part of the room cleared their throats and looked away. Two or three tried to chuckle, but their attempts were pretty weak.

[very deep sigh]

Student Essay Insanity #47!

Though it's hard to believe, I still have left eight or nine great bloopers from the summer's Regents' Essay Exam grading sessions. [sigh] Oh, my.

The prompts are in bold type, and the bad/funny/poorly-thought-out sentences are in plain type. Any comments from me are bracketed and in italics. And, of course, they're real essays, written by real students...and they're real(ly) bad. I shit you not.

**********

Is romantic love a good basis for marriage? Discuss.
In movies and television today, romance is played up as though it is the greatest thing since Post-Its were invented.
[Amen!]

If you had to choose a few words to describe yourself, what words would you choose and why? Explain.
There are many words that make up my person. …To begin, I would describe myself as a thinker, because thinking is something I always do.
[Ummm...]

Describe some of the pressures on college students.
Working nights tends to make socializing and studding quite difficult.
[I'd think working nights would make that easier.]

Why are movies and television shows about actual crimes so popular today? Discuss.
In society today almost anyone can turn on their television and see actual violent crimes taking place.
[Hey, it’s Snuff TV!]

What is your favorite source of entertainment? Explain why.
My favorite source of entertainmemt is going to the beach. I enjoy going to the beach with my family very much. Some people don’t like going to the beach for different reasons, but for me it is a way to have time together with your family and be entertained at the same time.
[There are SO many snarky directions I could go with this one.]

Myrtle Mae Monday: 09/08/08

Kittehs like leftover BBQ brisket and Brunswick stew.

They really, reeeeally like it.

And so do chickens.

I wish you could've seen this showdown. It was priceless. And you can imagine who backed off first. (Hint: it wasn't Myrtle Mae.)

Hmmm, that piece of tomato looks nice and juicy—mmm, and the corn does, too.

If you click on this photo to enlarge it, you can see the bits of stew in her beak.

She's her Mama's chicken, all right—my red-feathered girl loves her Southern food.

nom nom nom nom

nom nom nom nom

i haz many briskitz

nom nom nom nom

My fellow cat magnets

My friends Lois and Roger are cat magnets, much like Mom, Steve, and me. Cats just seem to find them. It must be all the little signs around their neighborhood at kitty-eye level:

PEOPLE WITH FOOD: THIS WAY ------>

So when Lois called me last week all excited about a mama cat who'd shown up with five babies, I knew I had to go see them. She'd managed to find homes for three of the five at that point, and had a lead on a home for one more. Which left only sweet, shy little Phantom.


And you can see why she & Roger named this kitteh Phantom. Love the half-black, half-orange face! And the tufts of fur sprouting from the ears!


As I held little Phantom and tried to resist adopting her, I hummed the main theme to Phantom of the Opera. "Dooooooot! Doot-doot-doot-doot-dooooooot!" But it looks like Roger has claimed Phantom for his own. Who could blame him?

Lois says she never, ever thought she'd have six cats in the house. "You're not the Lone Ranger," I told her. "Who would've thought I'd have seven eight in the house? On a good day?"

Ahhh, gotta love kitties.

That's "Interdisciplinary FAIL" to You—EPIC FAIL Week #22

The other day, I got back the faculty evaluations for my ITDS, or Interdisciplinary Studies, class on country music. (ITDS classes are usually electives, and cover several different fields of study. For example, my country class was part literature/poetry, part history, and part cultural studies.) While I usually wait months before reading the evals that students fill out, I felt as if I could go ahead and read these now. I thought knew most of what I'd done wrong, and thought that perhaps the students would agree with me.

And for the most part, they did. I knew early in the summer that I'd assigned too much reading, so we corrected that around midterm. And the thing with the music was a joke; I certainly agreed with the students on that. The rest of the comments were actually helpful.

One of the last evaluations, though, caught my eye: "This is an ITDS class! It's supposed to be EASY!"

Years ago, I spent a summer working with my dad on one of his out-of-town construction projects. My cousin was working on the same job that summer, and was new to the long, hard days involved with construction work. At the end of one particularly hot and difficult day, Joey* exclaimed, "It's too HOT! It's too HEAVY!" My dad and the rest of us burst out laughing. Joey's* whine was our rallying cry the rest of the summer, whenever another crew member was tired, or lazy, or flagging late in the day.

Professor Kitty's country music class? It's too HOT! It's too HEAVY! I laughed until I thought I'd pee my pants. I distincly recall warning the students on the very first day: "If you think we're going to sit around for eight weeks and talk about how awesome Toby Keith is, you've got another thing coming. I love country music, and I love what I do. We're packing 16 weeks of learning into eight, so get ready."

Wonder if it was this student?

A prayer to St. Francis—and Bastet

Dearest St. Francis and Bastet:

Please help Maddy and Pixie in their time of need. Maddy is very, very sick, and Pixie is so upset. Please help Maddy through this awful time, and please help ease any pain she might feel. Please help Pixie as she stays alongside her kitty. We do our best here on Earth to look after the kitties you send our way, and we're trying to understand, though it's really hard right now, that we can't have them forever—we're just taking care of them for you. Please accept our humble attempts at caring for your feline children...and please help us all as we try to make it through this very tough time in Maddy's nine lives.

Amen.

Student Essay Insanity #46!

Luckily for you, I still have two more 8-1/2" x 11" pages of these fantastically awful Georgia regents' Essay Exam bloopers. Praise the Lord and pass the red pens!

The prompts are in bold type, and the bad/funny/poorly-thought-out sentences are in plain type. Any comments from me are bracketed and in italics. And, of course, they're real essays, written by real students...and they're real(ly) bad. I shit you not.

**********

What situations are most stressful for you? Explain.
No matter who you are everyone is put in stressful situations.

How can parents promote good reading habits in their children? Discuss.
I believe as a parent that we have both the opportunity and obligation to have appositive influence on our childrens reading habits.

Should convicted lawbreakers be required to serve their full sentences without parole? Discuss.
Thousands of lawbreakers every year are sentenced of various crimes.

Would you rather live in a city and visit less populated areas for vacations, or live in the country and go to the city for visits and vacations? Why?
Living in the country allows assumptions to be made about the city. …The city promotes people and entertain that the country does not have a variety of.

Name some place that you would not like to go on a date and explain why you would choose not to go there.
A place that I would not like to go on a date would be a football game. I say this because I am a football player, as well I like to go on dates.

KittehWatch: Day 148

That's right: Stripe's kittehs are almost five months old! And Ernge's kittehs aren't very far behind—probably four-and-a-half months now!

All the cats who were formerly in the little gray shed in the back yard are now out, and mostly loving the outdoor life. Ernge actually recognized her kittens after having not seen them for almost three weeks. Hooray! They all touched noses and bounded off to play and explore together, Mama and the kids back together again.

So imagine my surprise when I looked out the back door yesterday evening to see this:

Your eyes fool you not: that is Ernge. Spayed Ernge. Nursing three weaned kittehs. Who are at least 18 weeks old.

[sigh]

Student Applicant Essay Insanity #45!

One of the things I love about blogging is the correspondence I get from readers. You folks e-mail me some of the craziest, sweetest, kindest, funniest, and most heartbreaking things I could imagine. Thanks for keeping me in your loops!

And about those funny things—oh, yeah, I get one now and then that merits sharing with the E&P audience at large. One such example is from frequent reader ThirstyInHere, who gave me permission to share her e-mail and hilarious blooper...

Miss Kitty—
I read your blog religiously and crack up at the Essay Insanity. I love to see the kittens too, but mostly love the essays.

I work as a hiring manager for a major telecommunications carrier (cellular) and review applications for (mostly) internal candidates.

I could start a blog with hiring insanity just from reviewing these resumes and cover letters. Keep in mind someone within the company has already hired them! Now they want to come to MY department! GAWD, could these have been your students?

As soon as I read this one, I knew I had to share it with you. I'm hiring for a [position redacted] in our [department redacted] Department. The actual letter is below (I shit you not!). I've omitted the applicant's name for privacy reasons. Oh yeah! This person graduated high school in 2003, hence the "full career..."

I hope you enjoy it!
—ThirstyInHere

Bless your heart for sharing, Thirsty! This one's a gem, people...sure not to disappoint in its awfulness. I might've talked to this person the last time I had problems with my cell phone. Hmmm, brings on more talk.

Anyhoo: the applican't message is below, in bold type. ThirstyInHere swears to its authenticity. That's right: real applicant, real letter, real awful. We shit you not.

And now, I'm going to look for that bottle of Robitussin.

**********

To Whom It May Concern:
Hearing the opening for a position with [position title], I immediately recognized the qualifications you are searching for strongly resemble my skill set. As you will openly note from my resume, I have had a full career of leading groups and taking ownership in many projects where writing and instruction on business related materials has been a requirement in my occupational field. I am excited at the reasonable possibility of becoming a contributing member of the team.

Clearly, bringing both measurable abilities and uncommon attributes and a drive to become a true asset to your group. Given this opportunity, I effectively ensure you that my capabilities will fully meet your expectorations.

I'm looking forward to our meeting. Thank you for your time in advance and careful consideration.

Respectfully, Applicant X.

Myrtle Mae Monday: 09/01/08

The Internet's Hardest-Working Hen is taking it easy this Labor Day, having a drink and a snack of leftover white bread from my favorite local BBQ, where I met Mom and Steve for lunch. But don't worry—a full Myrtle Mae Monday will return next week, complete with crazy pictures of your (and my) favorite chicken.