Sunday, August 31, 2008

This week's National Bullshit Threat Level is RED

While I'm not a philosophy professor or a rhetorician, I know shitty arguments when I see them. Usually, I ignore them, or give a nice, intelligent reply. But tonight, I got an e-mail with the subject line O'BAMA? from a former Small Military College student—a student I thought was too old and too intelligent to buy this kind of tripe.

Yes. O'BAMA, not OBAMA. It's called look for the goddamn stray apostrophes, you dimwits.

The e-mail was a forward of the same old stuff we've all been hearing about the Democratic nominee for President, and began with this:

This person has more common sense than the voting majority, both Democatic and Rebublican. Thanks for sending it.

Which is an automatic Bad Argument Flag, in my book—20 yards, loss of down. This student's made the mistake of sending me about a dozen of these poorly-thought-out e-mails, and since my bullshit threshold gets lower and lower all the time, I sent my reply along, as follows.

Dear [Student's Name]:

First of all: The name is OBAMA, not "O'bama," as this e-mail's subject line says. His dad was Kenyan, NOT IRISH.

Are you insinuating that people who vote for Obama do not love this country? That's the logic of this e-mail, and it's VERY insulting to me. You are making in this e-mail a HUGE logical error...the argument that "If you're not with me, you're against me." Just because our current President (and many other politicians) uses this argument does not make it an accurate one.


Another mistake this argument makes is what's called "argumentum ad hominem," or personal attacks. Funny how nobody can seem to make it about the true issues, but everyone's got some mud to sling. (Look at this Wikipedia article to see what I'm talking about: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logical_fallacy.)

It's also funny how everyone says Obama hasn't given any "real detailed plan" about his policies. This is true. However, neither has McCain. They are both speaking in glittering election-year generalities. Would that everyone could see this.

I'm pretty sure you didn't intend to insult my intelligence and capability for rational thought. Maybe you didn't read the e-mail all the way through to the end, and sent it along before you had time to do so.

I have plenty of reasons for *not* voting for McCain, but I won't bore you with them. Chances are I can't change your mind anyway, and I wouldn't want to waste both your time and mine.

It's hard for me to believe that someone as smart, well-educated, and morally upright as you would pass along an e-mail like this that repeats the same old tired b.s. and just won't come out and say what it really means: "We ain't votin' fer no nigger." I could respect the anti-Obama argument a lot more if its proponents would be intellectually honest and simply come out and say that.

Kindly refrain from sending me this kind of e-mail.


Sincerely,
Kitty B. Goode

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Saturday, August 30, 2008

Happy Birthday to the Queen!

Kitty Wells turns 89 today. Happy birthday, Mrs. Wells—and thank you for everything you've done for the women of country music!

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Friday, August 29, 2008

Viva NashVegas!

The Colonel and I made a quick trip to Nashville the weekend of August 15. I wanted to go back to the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum to attend the opening of their new exhibit, Kitty Wells: Queen of Country Music. The Colonel was excited about the idea. Oh yeah, and about the chance for us to have one last blow-out party before the start of Fall Semester.




The Colonel picks on me because I hate for any of my food to touch. For example, if the juice from my green beans runs into my fried okra, I won't eat it. This is because I'm a purist: I want the green beans to taste like green beans, and the fried okra to taste like fried okra. If the juice from the shoepeg corn runs into my biscuit, I won't eat the biscuit; I wanted a biscuit, not a corn biscuit, and I hate soggy bread anyway.

The Colonel, however, subscribes to the school of It's All Going to the Same Place, and mixes up his food into the nastiest (to me) combinations possible. In front of me, of course. Above, he's sopping up cole slaw juice with a ketchup-soaked hush puppy. [vomit]


Friday night, we went to the Flying Saucer, a fun and funky bar at the back of the Union Station Hotel, off Demonbreun Street. The light fixtures on the porch (above) are made from recycled green and brown beer bottles, with a circle of brushed aluminum diving them. I also loved the garage doors, and how opening or closing them changes the porch into a room and vice versa.



Another view of the porch area at the Flying Saucer. Visit there if you can; the main bar room offers over 150 different beers on tap. The entire back wall is beer taps, backed with a gorgeous tile mosaic.



The Country Music Hall of Fame & Museum is always offering special even ts to its members—I'm certainly glad I paid my $25 and joined. We were among the first people to arrive for the gourmet breakfast and exclusive first tour of the Kitty Wells exhibit. (The Hank Williams Family exhibit is also fantastic, and you should go see it before it's taken down at the end of 2009.)

ME: I sure am going to feel weird if we're the youngest people here.
COL: You mean if you're the youngest person here.

I was among the youngest, anyway; I think I saw a couple of college students in their early 20s.


The exhibit was great. The huge aluminum bass fiddle you see above is the same one Kitty Wells' bassist used on all her records and tour performances, both when she performed in husband Johnnie Wright's band, and when she went solo. The guitar is (I think) one of those Kitty played regularly on tour.



Two of her gorgeous outfits. They are definitely fit for a Queen of Country Music! Sadly, my pictures of the exquisite beading and embroidery didn't turn out so well. [sniff]

We left after a couple hours for a quick lunch and a nap at the hotel, and returned at 1:30pm for the Eddie Stubbs interview with Kitty Wells herself. She's 88 years old and still going strong.


I'd heard of Eddie Stubbs and had seen him when I went to the Grand Old Opry, but didn't know much about him. He really loves country music—especially old country music, "the real stuff," as I call it.



Here she is! A CMHOF&M staffer helped Mrs. Wells out onto the stage. She looked as if she could've been my grandma, or my great-aunt, yet she's the first big female star in country music. A legend, walking across that stage...and as humble as can be.

Of course, at age 88, she's got every right to have a little attitude. (Who could blame her if she did? She's earned it!) To the crowd's delight, she got sassy with Eddie a time or two in the interview. After all, he's like her and Johnnie's adopted son.


The interview/Q&A session was supposed to last about an hour, and would then be followed by an autograph session with Mrs. Wells. However, Eddie Stubbs is evidently a long-winded fellow; the interview lasted nearly two-and-a-half hours.

I had really wanted to buy a Kitty Wells CD and have her autograph it, but by the time the interview was wrapping up, my stomach thought my throat had been cut, and I was about to pass out due to low blood sugar. "Do you wanna hit the gift shop and get in line early?" the Colonel asked.

"Jesus, no," I replied. "I'm about to fucking pass out. Let's go. I mean, I hate it, but I'm about to fall down in the floor." I certainly hope I won't regret making that decision, but that's what we did.

We got a quick bite at a fast-food place and went back to the hotel room to freshen up and get ready for an evening out on the town. We ended up at the Germantown Cafe, which is set in the cutest little neighborhood I think I've ever seen. After drinks and dinner, we rode around town for a while, going downtown to see all the partiers and merrymakers, and then back to West End/Centennial Park, where the Colonel showed me the apartment complex where he lived with his dad while in college. Then we headed back to the room with a six-pack to watch the Olympics. Yeah, we're a real high-octane pair.

Sunday morning found us sad to be going home, but at least we had a fantastic breakfast at Noshville. If you're in town, this place serves the most wonderful Jewish deli-style bagels, latkes, lox, pastrami, etc., and it's open from very early in the morning until very late at night. A perfect post-bender detox place! Oh, and it offers a full bar, too—you know, "the hair of the dog" and what-not.

Music City USA is a wonderful town—so accepting, so open-minded, so diverse. I can't wait to go back.

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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Good-bye, Tiny Tech!

Yesterday, I got a call from Crazy Betty*, the division chair at Tiny Technical College. I knew what it was about. Yet another quarter is coming to an end, and I'm still far, far behind on paper grading. The students are complaining to her, and rightly so.

And I finally told Betty* that doing the online thing at TTC was too much, with my full-time responsibilities at Division II University, and that it'd be best if she hired someone else to teach and watch those classes. She seemed stunned at first—she replied with, "Ummm, well...errrr..." to begin with. Perhaps she'd been prepared for me to defend myself and deny what my students had been saying.

But I was completely honest with her, telling her that I'm much better in a physical classroom setting, and that "if I know I'm going to see a group of students, say, every other evening at 6:00, then I'm sure to have everything ready for them. But with online...well...I'm just being completely honest here, Betty—if I don't see them, I don't think about them, and the classes are one more thing for me to deal with, on top of teaching an overload at D2U." After another hesitation, Betty* said she'd start looking right away for someone else to teach the classes next quarter. Thank heavens.

Maybe it was a bad thing to have told Betty* all that. But I felt much better being honest, and getting it off my chest. It feels good knowing that after September 20, I'll be free of the dread and fear. From then on, when my cell phone rings, I'll know it's not an online student. I will certainly miss the extra money from Tiny Tech, but I won't miss the extra grading, the students calling my cell phone at all hours, and the feeling of dread hanging over me all the time—oh yeah, and the feeling of wondering when the phone will ring next with Betty* on the other end.

Don't get me wrong. I love teaching English, but it's nearly impossible to do it in a distance-learning setting. A composition class needs one-to-one interaction between students and instructor, and real-time writing and revision work. Sure, I've done plenty of rough drafts with my online students, but something's missing even when I hit "insert comment" 40 times on each paper. That in-person, human-connection element is vital. Perhaps there's a really good way to teach online Comp that I just don't know about, but for now I'm just going to relegate it to the "just about impossible" category.

I know I won't have a very good reference from Tiny Tech, and somehow I'm okay with that. Perhaps my friend William* might give me a reference, as I've done better work when he's been my direct supervisor. Crazy Betty*? Mmm, probably not. In any case, I think I can take on enough extra classes at D2U to make up for the difference. Some very interesting developments are coming our way here, and there will be plenty more opportunities for me to make some extra dough.

And the other good news? After this TTC quarter is over, when I turn in my books and the photocopies of my grade book, I can devote my energy 110% to D2U...where I'm putting together a proposal (hopefully it'll be approved) to teach my country music class online in the spring. Hooray! A class I'd really enjoy teaching online, and that I'd be sure to check every day!

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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Student Essay Insanity #44!

They're back, and they're BAD! Your favorite essay bloopers are here to brighten up your day...or make you crap your pants in fear. Hey, whatever works.

These are yet again from the summer's Regents' Essay Exam grading session. The prompts are in bold type, and the bad/funny/poorly-thought-out sentences are in plain type. Any comments from me are bracketed and in italics. And, of course, they're real essays, written by real students...and they're real(ly) bad. I neither could nor would shit you about that.

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What can parents do to prepare their children for school? Explain.
American parents are having more children.

How do you think your college education will change your life?
Having more education means more money less work.
[HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!]

Discuss the image of women presented in music videos.
The image of women presented in music videos are good and some show a bad image toward the African American women. All videos, I must admit, are not good videos. Videos such as “Tip Drill” and “Shake That money Maker” is disrespectful in it’s own way. Yet, you have videos such as “Brown Sugar” and “Pretty Woman,” which shows the beauty of an African American woman. Videos has it’s mixture of good and bad and it is my responsibility to tell you why.

How is the threat of AIDS changing dating habits? Explain.
The threat of AIDS is changing one persons’ dating habits for several reasons.

In what situations can laughter be especially helpful? Why?
I truly think that laughter can have a dramatic decrease on violence if people wouldn’t take things so serious.

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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Teddy: 1991-2008

From Mom.

Here's a mass e-mailing (I hate these things).


Teddy A.-T. died at 11:10 am Thursday, August 21, 2008. She was born in March of 1991. Unfortunately I had to be the one to say "Pull the plug"...again.


The cancerous tumors in her neck had begun to close off the nerves making her eyes unable to dilate, and paralyzing her swallowing muscles. She was starving. We didn't want her to suffocate and there was no possibility of surgery. At her advanced age, it would have killed her.


I guess this has been coming on for months now since I took her to the vet because she had about quit eating dry food. I had also noticed her balance was off sometimes. It was probably the tumors even 6 months ago.


I built her a huge pile of large rocks in the Pet Grave Yard at the back of the house. When Steve comes home we'll make a proper marker for her. He's insistant on that since she was one of his favorites.



He's the one who brought her out of her shyness 8 years ago. She used to hide from everyone. He's as upset as I am, to tell the truth.



He said yesterday he hoped they didn't pull a pop DOT inspection on him or the truck any time soon as they'd be convinced he was high/drunk because of his very red eyes.

We will miss her very much. She was the Grande Dame of the house and a peace maker.


She got along with everyone, even the 5-month-old, hell-raising Three Stooges (the Boys we just took in).






We're thankful for our time with Teddy. She raised the class of this place.

—Gina

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Monday, August 25, 2008

Myrtle Mae Monday: 08/25/08

Brrrrrrrk-brk-brk-brk-brrrrk...


What's first on today's agenda?


A bite of breakfast with Ernge's kittens...ahh, Friskies in the morning.



She really IS going to skwush down under the woodpile. Watch.



A beakful of Tuna Delight!

The kittehs have just about accepted Myrtle as one of them. And they know how quickly she can peckpeckpeckPECK! them right between the ears, should she feel they're hogging the canned food.



Grandma, what are you doing to Elvis?



Brushing? But it looks like a kitteh exploded over there!



I haz slain teh dragon!



Myrtle loves golden raisins.



"Poultry Still Life with Chair"—a masterpiece of our own time.

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Sunday, August 24, 2008

Mom says, "No thanks."

Mom and Steve stopped by yesterday evening on their way home from visiting my stepbrother and his family. We visited for just a little while, as they had to get home to feed three pissed-off dogs, who'd been penned up all day long while Mom and El Seebeno were away. As they were leaving, I remembered that I'd brought her library books home from D2U and needed to give them to her.

Mom is a voracious reader—and a fast one, too. An average novel takes her an eight-hour day to read; she's finished every Harry Potter book in a matter of days. And while she has a huge collection of books at home, she's bored with them. "You have to help me out," she said to me a few weeks ago. "I've been through The Wizard of Azkaban three times, and I've got nothing else new to read." I asked her what she might want to read, and asked her to put a list together.

So Mom started writing down titles she might like, ones she's heard about on NPR or from friends, while we waited for her first requests to come in on Interlibrary Loan. I'd just loaned her Chris Willman's Rednecks and Bluenecks: The Politics of Country Music, which she enjoyed. "Sure explains a lot about country music. And the South," she told me once she completed it.

"Your books are in that canvas bag," I told her, pointing. "I got the ones you asked for, plus the two-volume Elvis bio. Oh, and the other two books from my country music class. One's a bunch of essays about country music and war, and the other's—"

"No more country music," Mom said flatly.

"No more?!? Why not?"

"Can't do it."

I was surprised. It wasn't like Mom had been listening to any country music while reading. "But you said you liked the first book."

"I did. But now I'm catching myself singing stuff, and making up new words."

"Like what?"

She took a deep breath, and sang: "When you abuse my furry fwiends / You're walkin' on the 'doptin side of meeeee..."

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Saturday, August 23, 2008

The long wait for Tropical Storm Fay

For three days now, we here in Small Town have been waiting for Tropical Storm Fay to make its way here. It's been cooler (in the 80s), windy, and overcast, making us think that the heavy rains will be here any minute now. But it seems Fay's made a lot of people wait—last night on Georgia Public Radio, the emergency services director in Valdosta said, "This is the longest I can remember us having to wait for a storm to roll in." That's certainly true for Small Town, too.

Right now, there's a gentle light rain falling, and it's very windy. About 15 minutes ago, I was startled by a huge ka-BOOM! outside, which sounded suspiciously like a large tree breaking in half. (The oak in my back yard did that very thing seven years ago and nearly obliterated the back of the Happy Kitten Cottage.) However, it must've been one or two streets over, because I don't see any trees down around here.

More details to come. I hope it's just a LOT of rain, and little bad wind. Heaven knows we can use that rain, here in drought-stricken Small Town!

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Friday, August 22, 2008

Sob Stories—EPIC FAIL Week #21

Looks like we're going to have daily EPIC FAIL-age this semester, if we keep on at this rate.

I've received MANY e-mails either 1) begging to get into my slammed-up full Comp I classes, most of which are already on overload, or 2) letting me know that a student will be missing the first week or so of classes. So here are a couple e-mails for your snarky pleasure, complete with students' original spelling and grammar.

Sob Story #1: It's the IM, Stupid
I was wondering if there was anyway I could be able to attend ur English Composition 1 course at [day and time]. I really need this course and the few still available are at really conflicting times. Your class is at a perfect time for me and I was seeing if I could even show up Friday to see if a spot might come available to me. If u can add me to the class roster please let me know. I need the hours along with the class for insurance purposes as well and have a really difficult time finding classes to fill the necessary hours I need without giving me a conflicting schedule with life.

"A conflicting schedule with life"—did u rd ths b4 u snt it? STFU!

Sob Story #2: Goin' to a Go-Go at the U.S. Embassy
Hi, This is [student name] and student id is -----.I was planning to leave [faraway foreign country] on August 20th, yet due to my visa problem, I could not make it.Currently, I am in a situation where I need to redo an interview with U.S embassy and ask for my visa again.My interview with U.S embassy is on this coming Monday(August 25th) and if everything works out, I will be leaving [faraway foreign country] on August 27th or 28th.So I will be missing few of your classes. If there is anything that I should be preparing for, please let me know.Sorry for inconvenience. Sincerely, [Student]

You should be preparing to drop this class PDQ. And by the by, Shouldn't foreign students be well aware of when their visas expire, and just how hard it can be to get a post-9/11 U.S. visa? [sigh]

More of these to come—that's for certain.

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Thursday, August 21, 2008

Here we go!

Today's the first day of Fall Semester at Division II University, and the week so far has been a whirlwind of activity. More details Friday, when the dust settles!

UPDATE, 9:58pm: All went pretty well this first day of classes, I'm happy to report. More details soon—two more new classes to meet on Friday, and one on Monday.

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Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Who's regretting what here?—EPIC FAIL Week #20

Yes, it's been a long time since the last EPIC FAIL installment; I just haven't had a lot of FAIL-age to report. But now that classes are about to get underway, we'll probably be back to at least a weekly EPIC FAIL post. I can hear your wicked laughter already.

The new Division II University semester begins on August 21, and I'm already getting e-mails begging for me to let "one more student!" into my classes. Sadly, most of my Comp I classes are already on overload—this semester, I'm part of an electronic writing portfolio project, and instead of keeping my classes capped at 20 seats, as I was promised, someone messed up and let 24 or more students into each section. As so many of you know, those four extra students really do make a difference.

Now, why did I volunteer to be part of this project, again?

And a couple months ago, I got an e-mail "welcoming" me to the Early College Program: "You have been identified as a professor who would be excellent in our program!" For those of you outside the University System of Georgia, Early College is a program that selects high-potential yet low-achieving students from local high schools and gets them into the college environment. This program is funded by the well-meaning folks at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, was pioneered at Georgia State University in conjunction with Atlanta Public Schools, and has a dozen similar programs around the state from Savannah to Albany to Columbus to Athens...it's everywhere. It's supposed to give kids with a lot of potential an "in" to the world of college, an "in" they might never have gotten otherwise. But I found out yesterday at the introductory luncheon that some of these kids are behavior problems—and that all of them have taken English ONLY up to 11th-grade levels at some sub-par area high schools. (There'll be a longer post on this later in the week, don't worry.) And we all know how well high-school English prepares kids for college.

Now, how's this supposed to help the students, again? And exactly how'd I get chosen to be one of the pilot professors? I didn't volunteer.

And did I mention that the D2U English Department is seriously understaffed? There are currently 13 Comp I and II classes that are full but have no instructor. We don't have the money to hire good people to teach these classes, and they'll probably be cancelled. The students really need these classes and can't get them, and chances are they'l go elsewhere and forget about D2U altogether. To top it all off, the damn governor asks us to cut our budget by 6.5%, due to mistakes his administration has made in spending our state's money—Division II University's been watching its books pretty carefully. "Education Governor," my ass.

Okay. Back to the desperate "please let me into your class" e-mails.

Two students frantically e-mailed yesterday morning; three sent up their S.O.S. flares Monday. The first of yesterday's e-mails was a mass e-mail, sent from a student to two dozen different professors. Just as bad as a form cover letter, if not worse. Way to let us know how much you care about first impressions, kid.

The second e-mail is excerpted below:
My advisor said if I spoke with you, you may allow me to enroll in your class. I am a great student, and if you would allow me to join your [day and time] class. I am sure you won't regret it. My student id is -----. Thank you for your time.

And I sooo wanted to e-mail back:
I won't regret it, maybe...but what about you?

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Myrtle Mae Monday is updated!

My home internet service is working again, and yesterday's MMM is now updated!

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Student Essay Insanity #43!

It's been a couple of weeks since our last S.E.I., but now that I'm back in my D2U office almost daily, I can finish up this wonderful collection of Regents' Essay Exam bloopers from this past grading session. And may I also note that I've yet to receive my check for grading these infernal things? [sigh]

The prompt's in bold, and the funny/bad/poorly-thought-out blooper's in plain type. These are mostly bad, but I thought the second on was darn funny. And, as always: real essays, real students, real(ly) bad. I shit you not.

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How have your eating habits changed since you’ve been in college? Discuss.
Coming to college has change several of my habits. For example, the amount of studying has greatly incease since I have been here. However, I feel asthough my eating habit as had the biggest change since being in college for mean reasons.

Apart from chronological age, what are some major differences between an adolescent and an adult? Explain.
The three major differences between an adolescent and an adult are wisdom, worry, and wrinkles.

Do you like being in the presence of young children? Why or why not?
A world without young children would be devastating and boring.

Should schools establish dress codes? Discuss.
At my high school, dress codes were very strict. The guys couldn’t wear white t-shirts, but every other shirt that the guys wore had to be tucked inside the pants. The girls couldn’t wear anything that came less than three inches above their knees.

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Monday, August 18, 2008

Myrtle Mae Monday: 08/18/08

We've done a lot of things with Myrtle Mae Mondays, so what the heck else is there to do?

Yes, yes, get more chickens. That's coming, try not to worry.

In the meantime...


Hey! I'm drinkin' here!


[glug-glug-glug-glug-glug]


Wish you could see the beak action here. She kind of nomnomnomnoms with her beak as she gulps the water down.




As soon as I figure out how to post videos on YouTube, I'll take one with my digital camera and post it here.

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Saturday, August 16, 2008

Rules for pets

A friend e-mailed this to me, and I almost pulled an abdominal muscle, I laughed so hard—and I knew I had to share it with E&P readers.

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To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door, at pet-nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, either, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. You dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when you sleep—it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for years—canine or feline assistance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door. To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours, and don't speak clearly.

And remember: dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

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Friday, August 15, 2008

Good baby-sitters are hard to find.

Last night, I got lazy and put off finishing the next post about nutball preachers, and thought I'd keep it light here on a Friday. And what better way to lighten a blog's mood than with KITTEHS?!?

Sorry. A fit of cute-wuv grabbed hold of me, all of a sudden.



Awwww! Isn't Elvis a good boy? He'll sit with the kittens for hours, keeping an eye on them and watching them play. And he's not even their daddy—Elvis was neutered a long time ago.



But sometimes The King needs a break, and I'm not home, and someone's got to play with little kittehs in the meantime. And sometimes, it's hard to be nice to pesky little cats who bite your toes! Like Merle's doing here!

So...sometimes, I just go with whoever's available. [sigh]


Hccccccchhhhhh! Rrrrrrrrr...

As you can see, the kittehs aren't too intimidated by Davey's meanie act.


RrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRR!

Oh, my. Little Emmylou is just as scared as can be. [rolling eyes]



RrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRR! MrrRRROWWWWRRRRR!

Sure, Davey. Whatever.


All right, little kitteh—if I can't scare you, then maybe I'll just EAT YOU!!!



Well! THAT made everybody move, didn't it?

Seriously, though: who could be mean to these kittehs?


Who could growl at this little face?



Or these little ears and paws?



If there's anyone who can do it, it's Davey.

And as you can tell from how he's sooooo carefully lying back down, being mean to kittehs is an exhausting job. Mm-hmm.

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

When fascism comes to Booger County, it will smell of two-cycle engine exhaust and carry a cross. (#2 in a series)

BEFORE YOU READ: I am in a pissy mood yet again today. And no, it's not PMS. I reserve my right to get angry regardless of what my hormones are doing at any particular moment.

Regular readers will know that I generally don't discuss politics on E&P. However, there's an issue that's been bugging the hell out of me lately—my first post on it was yesterday, and tomorrow's post will probably be on it, too.

A group called Real Encounter visited Booger County Junior High back in May and the whole debacle event was covered in the local piss-ant fishwrap newspaper...very favorably. So much for journalistic neutrality.

When she saw the article glaring at her from the top front page of the paper, Mom was so disturbed by the whole idea of having a religious event at school, during school hours, and using school property after hours that she cut out the article and saved it for me. When I read it I was surprised (though I shouldn't have been) that this sort of chicanery was still going on at my tiny little country junior high school in my tiny little country hometown.

So I called Mom last night and got her to read the choice parts of the article to me as I typed them out, with spelling and grammar typos intact. The article's in italics, while my comments are in plain type.

Real Encounter Makes an Impact on Booger County

Real Encounter Outreach Ministries is “birthed from a deep desire to see a genuine spiritual transformation in the individual lives of the emerging generation.”...

“We use this simply as a means of connection with the culture.” ...
[This is the reason they give for doing all this thinly-veiled evangelism of young teens through motor bike stunts, freestyle/BMX motocross, skateboard stunts, and putting a DJ plus sound and huge/dynamic/explosive multimedia show along with the stunts and said thinly-veiled evangelism.]

These elements are simply a platform, but make no mistake, Jesus Christ has center stage in their lives as individuals and in their message as a ministry. ...

Real Encounter first visited Cornhole County [slightly more urban and sophisticated county just north of Boogerville] on Tues May 6, where an estimated 2500 people were present, 121 were saved. … [Pastor’s name] of [Baptist church]: “When we booked Real Encounter to come, we believed that Cornhole County, which is nine times larger than Booger County, would be the largest and most effective event. However, Cornhole County High Schools were closed to Real Encounter doing assemblies due to the end-of-the-year testing. So the focus shifted more to Booger County. I met with [FBC Boogerville pastor], and he replied, “I have been praying for God to do something big in Booger County, and this could be what I’ve been praying for.”

“God surely showed up and did something awesome,” said the local Cornhole County Baptist minister who organized these events. Out of 1600 people coming to the BCHS gym Wednesday night, 228 decisions were made to salvation in Booger County.

[Mom’s comment: “To me, the word ‘assembly’ means, ‘You’re GOING, whether you want to or not—kinda like a tornado drill or fire drill assembly.’]

The pastor has already begun to receive many “positive” responses, one from a teacher at the middle school. The teacher stated, “I had an 8th-grade athlete that received Christ as his savior, and in class this morning he was reading the Bible that was given him last night.” She also said another female student told all her teachers about how she was saved.

Boogerville, Georgia, was recently voted one of the Top 10 place to raise children in the United States
[by WHOM?!? I want to know!]. The outcome of Wednesday nights event proves that this is a very close community. Many families came to this event and left closer than they ever imagined they could be. Many families wish to thank Real Encounter, volunteers, ministers, pastors, everyone involved in making this special evening possible.

The picture accompanying the article shows a couple students lying on the ground as one of the Real Encounter motorcycle stunt guys jumps over them. The caption says that R.E. “held several character-based assemblies” in both counties. From the looks of this picture, this event is being held in broad daylight, and the number of young people standing around WITHOUT ADULTS lets me know that this was probably held during school hours, the entire junior high population was brought in, AND the teachers probably took an hour for planning, not knowing or caring what was going on. (I even recognized where these stunts were being done: the area between the band room and lunchroom, complete with drink and snack machines and the faculty parking lot in the background.)

Here's a video showing a Real Encounter rally at a school. Is that an Eminem song in the background? Hmmm, that's mighty Christian. Oh, wait! Slim Shady hates homos too, so it's okay!

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.
—author unknown

BEFORE YOU READ: I am in a pissy mood today. And probably will be tomorrow. And no, it's not PMS. I reserve my right to get pissed off regardless of what my hormones are doing at any particular moment.

I generally don't discuss politics on E&P, but there's an issue that's been bugging the hell out of me lately. So today and tomorrow will see me posting on this topic.



Nothing at all wrong with having a prayer vigil on the square in Small Town. Public space is for everyone, no matter your faith.


But when the City of Small Town breaks out the patriotic decorations? Which they'd put away the week after July 4th? For your prayer vigil? I get kinda suspicious and uncomfortable.



Other side of the square: same thing.



And the fancy city-owned swags, too. I dunno about the legality of this. Is the city where you have your religion-related event required to decorate for you?

I imagine City of Small Town would turn down doing decorations for the Buddhist Society of Small Town, or Small Town PFLAG, or Democrats of Small Town, or Small Town Ass-Kicking Man-Hating Feminist Association. Hell, they probably would shred their permit applications without even looking at them.

This vigil was sponsored by the First National Baptist Church on the Square here in Small Town...the church where, I've heard from former members, the pastor and deacons check your financial records before you can join.

Whaddya wanna bet they prayed for? Sure, they prayed that our troops could do their jobs and be safe. Nothing at all wrong with that. But what else? Destruction of the Anti-Christ/Leader and Inciter of Riots for All Black People/ObamaNation? For a lot of pink felt to make triangles for all the gays, so we can identify them at a distance? For more crazy men to kill all the liberals? For all women to have as many children as their uteruses can handle before they PLOP! fall out on the ground? (List your own guesses in the Comments section.)

Separation of church and state doesn't really apply in these parts, which boggles my mind. In tomorrow's post, I'll tell you about the day when I was in 8th grade that the First Baptist Church of Boogerville* came to save souls during 4th period. Really, they did. And it happened again recently at Booger County Junior High...and was very favorably covered by the local newspaper. I shit you not.

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Until I can come up with more original post material...

A very rare peaceful moment for Davy, who's usually swatting at Ernest...not giving him a bath.


But he still looks mighty ignorant, doesn't he?

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Monday, August 11, 2008

Myrtle Mae Monday: 08/11/08

Every morning, the kitties and Myrtle Mae get breakfast on the back porch. And most mornings, there's no bickering.


Most mornings, that is.


This morning, there was serious tension in the air. Myrtle was going to get her food one way or the other, and no cats needed to stick their whiskers where they were neither wanted nor needed.

Elvis backed off after Myrtle gave him the Evil Nasty Dinosaur Eye, as she's doing above. Hey, he's not stupid—that's why he's The King.


So Myrtle clucked happily (or was that haughtily? Sometimes it's hard to tell) and peck-peck-pecked away at the Kitten Chow.


And pecked some more.


Aaaaand some more.


Mama? Mama? When do we eat?

Soon, little kittehs. Soon.


I didn't catch it with the camera, but Elvis got a big PECK! right on top of his head when he moved a little too close. Myrtle also pecked two kittens, though a little more softly than she did full-grown Elvis.

Thanks, MM. I appreciate your concern for the babies. [rolling eyes]


She took her sweet, sweet time, too. As did Elvis.

I think each knew that I'd put out canned food at some point, and that they could sneak a few bites from the kittens' big dish, or maybe even run the kittens away.


Ahh, but they were wrong. I was waiting until they were bored. Once Elvis and MM take off into the yard after breakfast, they generally don't come back for a while.



[sigh]

As you can probably imagine, this was getting mighty old, mighty fast for the kittens.


You know how time passes when you're little—five minutes feels like an eternity, especially when your tummy's growling.


Mama, are we ever gonna eat?

Yes, little kitteh. Mama won't let babies starve. Even for her favorite chicken on the planet.

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Sunday, August 10, 2008

A country state of mind?

For my readers new and old, country fans and not: Let me tell you about the amazing and weird dream I had Friday night.

I dreamed that I had come to Nashville, except not on my usual research trip—I was there with my sister and my mom, and I was going to break into country music songwriting. (For the record: this isn't one of my big life goals.) I guess they were there to provide backup and emotional support—that’s the only reason I can think for them being along. It seemed in the dream that I had moved to Nashville and had brought very few things along; I was traveling light for this big move. The details are hazy, but it seems that I may have been driving one of the smaller U-Haul vans, with Pixie and Mom sitting in the cab with me.

We weren’t sure where we were going in Nashville. (This is a very true part of the dream, because I know only how to get around in a very small portion of town: the eight miles from downtown to the Colonel’s old apartment.) We got lost a number of times. The place where we’d meant to go was the "songwriters’ part of town" (maybe that represents Music Row? I don’t know), but got lost quite a few times.

However, the getting lost wasn’t at all bad—a little frustrating, but not bad. I steered the van down a side street that I thought was a shortcut, only to find out it was a dead end, and that we’d have to turn around. But while driving down this dead-end street, we ooh-ed and ahh-ed at the adorable little 1920s “mill cottages” (Southern vernacular, a few shotgun houses, and the like) that had been redone and turned into shops and cafes.

All of them were painted in bright, vibrant colors—I saw several cheery little houses painted yellow, some taxicab yellow while others were a light buttery color—and all had front yards overflowing with flowers and plants. Rambling rose bushes tumbled over little picket fences, cannas shot up alongside the edges of front porches, morning glories twined around mailboxes. The front porches themselves were painted in cheery contrasting colors to go along with the rest of the house, and all were decorated in fun, funky ways. A few had Christmas lights strung all around their posts and banisters; others had interesting decorations hanging up, such as wind chimes, wind spinners, colorful glass “witch balls,” hummingbird feeders, steel yard art, cast-stone figurines (such as St. Francis or Kuan Yin or woodland fairies), and a few even had crazy, brightly-colored stepping stones and mosaic-covered statues…I seem to remember even seeing a mirrored disco ball in one yard! It was SO neat to see a little neighborhood that was so involved in keeping up its appearance…and in such an interesting way, too! No old-fashioned nonsense for these yards.

As we drove along and commented aloud on the yards, we saw what was going on at each of the little houses. (Quite a few were residential—and what’s weird is that they were MUCH plainer and “conservative,” and all on the opposite side of the street from the cool, funky little houses.) One was a ladies’ clothing store, with gorgeous fashions on the mannequins in the front window. Another was an art gallery, with people milling about on the front porch. Yet another was a vintage clothing store, with signs advertising how this store had lots of Western wear and boots, a la Nudie suits and Manuel Cuevas-type creations. There was a little coffee shop, with people coming in and out with their stainless-steel mugs for coffee, and other people sitting on the front porch and steps and in the yard drinking coffee and eating pastries. A few other gorgeous small houses were directly involved in the country music biz: one had a sign advertising photography for musicians; one was a used-vinyl and CD shop; one was a promoter. As we passed each little house, there was something unique and fun about it.

But as we came to the end of the street, we noticed something really unusual about the little house two lots from the dead end…on the bougainvillea-covered front porch stood HANK WILLIAMS, JR., playing his guitar and singing as if he were just out there to have a good time and hear himself sing!!!

I can’t remember if Hank Jr. acknowledged us as we drove by, but I do remember that he stayed out on the porch, just like any regular person might do when a car drives down the street and they’re having a good time watching the world go by. We exclaimed aloud to each other, “Holy shit! Was that Bocephus?!?” just as we reached the dead end of the street. I carefully turned the van around so we could head back out, and maybe catch another glimpse of him.

In the next portion of the dream, we’d finally found the place we needed to go—this was a neighborhood where songwriters lived and worked (a songwriters’ ghetto?). This neighborhood was also very fun and funky, and reminds me of Atlanta’s Little Five Points area. It had quite a few older apartment buildings, maybe three stories tops, all made of brick with brick and brownstone front porches, and front yards filled with neatly-trimmed lawns, hydrangea bushes, roses, huge Boston ferns in pots, and so on. I parked the van and we walked along, not really sure where we were going. (I think this might’ve been just a visit to get familiar with the area, and for me to get over my shyness about approaching people I don’t know.)

At one point, I walked through a large, spacious older home that looked as if it were a law office, but it was really a music publishing house, and two famous women songwriters-publishers-singers were sitting around a large oak table, and they asked me if I needed any help. (And I can’t place who they were, but it seems like they bore more than a passing resemblance to Emmylou Harris and K.T. Oslin.)

“Well, I just moved here to Nashville to get into the music business, and I’m getting acquainted with the area.” The women asked me if I’d previously had any songs covered by any country artists, and I replied that I had. (Why on earth did I say that?) I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks as I told the fib, but it came out of my mouth anyway. I guess I knew what they’d say if I'd said "no"—the talking-down-to-me speech about the different baby steps I needed to take to be a songwriter, pay my dues, blah blah blah—and I was already feeling awkward and out-of-sorts in this new town. I thanked the women and left, not telling my mom and sister the big lie I’d told inside the office.

As we walked down the neat, clean sidewalk, we were approached by a very sad-looking yet docile poodle mix, who was wandering around as if he were lost. He was dirty, beat up, and bloodied, as if he’d been in a fight with other dogs. “Wait, he has a collar,” my sister said. She handed me her cell phone, and I looked at the tag—whoa! A famous songwriter’s name was on the tag! “Wow! Call him!” my mom said, and I dialed the number. The songwriter answered the phone, and I introduced myself and said I’d found his dog. He was overjoyed that I’d found the dog, who tended to wander off, he said, and he gave me his address and told me to come on over.

We got to this songwriter’s house, and he welcomed us very warmly, asking us to step inside. (In the dream, I don't recall his name, but he could've won a Harlan Howard look-alike contest but for his long, ponytailed grayish-white hair.) It was again an older home, but had been split into two or three large, funky apartments, all with 15’ ceilings, plaster walls, radiators (like you’d find up North, but this was Nashville!), and so on. He’d decorated the place in a Shabby Chic kind of way, which I thought was unusual for a man's decorating taste. The Harlan Howard-esque songwriter thanked me for bringing his dog back and asked us to sit down; he brought out cold lemonade for us. As the three of us talked to him and explained that I’d moved here to try to break into country music songwriting, he seemed to warm up to me even more. “Y’all’ve had a long day,” he said. “I’ve got a couch and a daybed in there—why don’t y’all take yourselves a nap while I get some lunch ready?”

Mom, Pixie, and I lay down, petted the grateful dog, and began to drift off. At one point, I awoke and went into the kitchen, which looked like something right out of the late 1940s or early 1950s, with an old-style gas range and a curvy-sided fridge, plus a classic KitchenAid stand mixer and FiestaWare dishes all around. “Really, sir, you don’t have to fix us lunch, or offer us anything,” I said, feeling funny about this offer of hospitality from out of nowhere. "We'll be at our motel this evening and will find a place for me to live pretty soon."

“Oh, nonsense,” he replied, and smiled a knowing, warm smile. “I got my start in this town a long time ago, and I know what it’s like. Other songwriters helped me out back then, and I’d like to help you out now. You've got a lot of promise, young lady.” He paused to turn the chicken in the skillet. “Besides, you brought my dog back to me! That’s worth more than I could ever repay you!”

I’m not really sure what this dream means, but it’s one of the most interesting ones I’ve had in a long, long time.

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Saturday, August 09, 2008

KittehWatch: Day 124

Since we're currently between semesters, I don't have the usual lot of funny posts about students or colleagues to share with you. (Don't worry, though—I do have one to post, hopefully Sunday, and there's more Student Essay Insanity coming up next week.)

And speaking of next week, I've got a major KittehWatch installment to put up here for you, probably Wednesday. Until then, here are a few pictures of Ernge's adorable kittens, who are about three months old.








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Friday, August 08, 2008

Mom's latest project

In a previous post, I mentioned a few of Mom's ongoing projects. Here is one of them: a Baltimore Album quilt for her sister and brother-in-law. Mom started this quilt 20 years ago, but has just now gotten around to finishing it—life sometimes gets in the way of sewing. But she's gradually added to her fabric stash as the years have passed, and a couple months ago finally felt as if she'd reached the point where she could complete the quilt and make it look good.


Kittehs add to the beauty of the quilt.

Excuse us, please, Poppy and Cong. We're trying to look at the quilt top.


Thank you, kittehs.

It's king-size, approximately 90" x 90".

Applique is the needle technique used for this quilt top; it involves sewing a design cut out of cloth onto a larger piece of cloth using tiny, nearly-invisible stitches. Mom swears it's easy to learn, and that I could master it in a matter of days, but I think she's smokin' that shit again.

One of the blocks up close.



And another block—Mom hadn't yet washed out the blue guidelines she'd drawn around each piece.



Wow. Gorgeous.

The only steps left to do now are to baste (i.e., carefully pin or tack-stitch) the quilt top to the batting (fluffy stuff in the middle) and the backing, and then quilt intricate designs in it. My aunt and uncle, who'll soon be celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary, will have a fit when they see it.


And Cong, of course, is very excited about the almost-finished quilt.



Or is it gas? With kittehs, you never can tell.

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Thursday, August 07, 2008

Student Essay Insanity #42!

Since I've exhausted all the crazy Regents' Essay Exam bloopers I saved on my home computer, S.E.I. #42 is from my D2U office computer. There's only one in this installment, because it's so long...and so incredibly bad.

As usual, the essay prompt is in bold, and the blooper is in plain type. Any commentary of mine is in italics. And, of course, this is a real excerpt—from a real essay—and from a real student. And it's real(ly) bad. I shit you not.

**********

John F. Kennedy once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” Discuss whether Americans are heeding this call from the past.
2nd paragraph of the essay goes like this:
George W. Bush is currently being treated horribly by the American people. Rarely do you hear his name mentioned outside of some sort of joke. Bush is considered totally illiterate, and is made fun of constantly. This would never have happened 50 years ago. For instance, there was a president at one point who could not walk well, and had to be helped to his podium to give speeches. However, there are only a handful of photos showing him in a wheelchair because the media didn’t want him to appear weak. Clearly, the current media does not have this sort of respect, nor do the American people as a whole. ...

BUT, get this—this essay ends like so:
Jefferson said, “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” As time passes, it seems that people are ignoring this more and more. The way current Americans treat the president, try to avoid taxes, and shirk their duties makes this clear. It seems that Americans follow a quote by Albert Einstein more than anything: “The state was created for the man, not man for the state.”

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Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Too damn hot

Today's forecast for Small Town, Georgia:
Sunny. High: 97.

Heat index: 110.


Do stuff? In this weather? Hccchhhh!


The best thing to do is lie around. No point in trying to get anything done during the day—save it until evening, when it's cool.



Even little kittehs have it figured out: stay in the shade while it's hot.



And look cute, too.



Ernge's kittehs are experts at relaxing and looking cute at the same time.



Hide out, have a drink and a snack, and take it easy. This is August in the South.

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Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Miss Kitty, she is a-changin'

If you're just now tuning in, read this to catch up.

**********

Cymbalta works pretty well, compared to the other antidepressants I've tried—there are some side effects, but they're manageable, for the most part. You're probably familiar with some of them: dry mouth, weight fluctuations, heart palpitations, and so on. I'm mostly able to deal with them, thank goodness.

But I went suddenly and directly from having taken Wellbutrin for four months to taking Cymbalta, and the change was weird. I lost a little more weight, but then my appetite started picking up again (thankfully); I had some mood swings and just a weird feeling in general, but I attributed that to the sudden prescription change. And, after about three weeks, I could feel it working, ever so slowly. The way I described it to the Colonel was, "It's like I've been underwater, hearing and seeing everything all cloudy and unable to communicate, but the meds make it like I've ahhhhh! burst up out of the water for air, and suddenly I can hear and see and talk again."

Really. It's made that much of a difference. When I went to D2U City a few weeks ago with Mom and El Seebeno, the car radio was tuned to the local oldies station, and I started making up inappropriate lyrics to the tune of every song that came on:

Stop! in the name of bong
Before I fire one up...

It got worse with every song. When I changed Smokey Robinson and the Miracles' lyrics to "I Got a Big Erection," Mom had had enough. "Nooooo!" Mom shouted. "She's starting up again! No more oldies! Aaaack!"

"Sorry, Mom, but it's the law: you have to make up dirty lyrics for the oldies!"

"Well," Mom said, "sure is a change from the last few months. You've been walking around looking like you're about to cry at any minute. So I know you're better now."

A few weeks ago, we had the first of several major heat waves here in Small Town—even at 9pm, the temperature was still 85 degrees, and people in this part of the country were rendered useless by the heat. When the heat index is around 105 degrees, all you can really do is sit someplace cool and do as little as possible. Even the fellows gathering shopping carts in the Piggly-Wiggly parking lot were taking breaks every 20 minutes. It was just that hot. I kept the A/C units in my den and bedroom windows running almost all the time, trying to keep the kitties and myself somewhat cool.

But when I awoke six nights in a row soaked in sweat, my nightgown and sheets bordering on wet with perspiration, I got a little worried. I keep the temperature in the bedroom very cold at night; I just sleep better that way. So why was I waking up soaking wet? And why was I getting very hot and sweaty at inopportune times during the day? "Can't be menopause," I joked on the phone with my mom. "I've got another 15 or 20 years."

"Welllll...your grandmother hit menopause at 36," she said. "You better have Dr. C check your hormone levels next time you go in."

Great. Menopause at age 34. And just when I thought children might be an option.

So I went to get my bi-weekly B-12 shot at Dr. C's office—she was out for the day—and I mentioned my sweatiness and newfound love of meatlocker-esque rooms to the nurse. "I'm worried," I told her. "I've always been cold-natured, but now you'll find me all happy in front of the dairy case at the grocery store. And I wake up with the sweats most nights. Could it be early menopause?"

She looked at my chart again. "Oh, you're on Cymbalta," she noted. "The sweats and hot flashes are side effects. They're not as common as the others, like dry mouth, but they are side effects." I was relieved, to say the least. The nurse made a note in my chart for me to get my hormone levels tested anyway, but what she said about Cymbalta made me feel better.

I called Mom later that afternoon to tell her what the nurse had said. "I can say one thing for certain," I said. "I'll never, ever make fun of you about hot flashes ever again."

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Monday, August 04, 2008

Myrtle Mae Monday: 08/04/08

All together, now!

Roll, roll, roll your chicken
Gently in the yard
Cluckily, cluckily, cluckily, cluckily
It's not very hard.




















And today's dust bath is complete. Thank you!

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Saturday, August 02, 2008

Eight more reasons not to smoke

So before all my beloved E&P smokers—as well as my beloved E&P non-smokers!—get up in arms, let me say this:

Please go ahead and enjoy your cigarettes; it's fine with me. I make NO judgment on you as a person for choosing to smoke, and do not consider your habit to be a defect in either your character or your mental capacity. However, I'd love to have you stick around and read E&P for many years to come, so I hope you'll consider quitting at some point. It's your decision, though, and whether or not you keep on puffin' away, I still think you're great human beings and want you to keep coming around and commenting.

Both my paternal grandparents smoked themselves to death. They practically raised my sister and me, so I tend to shy away from tobacco. But you know what the funny thing is? I don't smoke and probably never will, but have grown up and worked in so many smoky environments that it's not even funny. And the smell of cigarettes is strangely comforting to me—especially Virginia Slims and Kool Menthols, those my grandmother and grandfather smoked, respectively.

All that being said...on with the story.

Mom and El Seebeno have been recovering for the last couple months from getting his mom, Miss Lucille, packed up and out of her Small Town apartment and down to Gnatville*, Georgia, to live with El Seebeno's sister. (I call this town Gnatville because it's soooo far down in South Georgia, where the gnats are especially bad.) Miss Lucille, in her mid-80s, had finally had one serious fall too many and simply couldn't live by herself any longer, though she very stubbornly insisted that she'd stay in her apartment no matter what. El Seebeno's sister didn't have too much room in her house for their mama's things, though, so it was left to he and Mom to either sell, give away, or take home all the stuff she left.

Mom was happy to get Miss Lucille's living room suite—her own sofa and loveseat have needed replacing for years. So Mom gave me her old loveseat to put in my D2U office, and she and Seeben brought home Lucille's queen-sleeper sofa and oversized chair. Mom made some brown Ultrasuede slipcovers for the two new pieces, and before she put them on, she thought she'd get out her Little Green Machine and shampoo the new pieces' upholstery. Miss Lucille lived in her apartment for almost 17 years and had gotten to where she couldn't really clean anymore, and she's a smoker. Not a very heavy one, mind you—she smokes at most five or six ciggies per day—but a smoker nonetheless.

So Mom got to work. And it was one helluva job, too: she filled up the Little Green Machine three times with clean solution. She saved the last batch and put it in a quart Mason jar to show me when I came to visit last Sunday.

MOM: Take a look at this. [showing jar]
ME: Bleehhhhh! What is THAT?
MOM: The Green Machine stuff from when I cleaned Lucille's chair.
ME: Good GOD! Hang on, I gotta get a picture of that.



ME: What's all that in the bottom?
MOM: I don't even wanna know.


ME: Holy shit, let's go outside so we can get pictures of this in the light.
MOM: You sure?
ME: Yeah. I'm puttin' this on E&P.
MOM: What, and gross out half your readers?
ME: No, really, it'll be interesting.
MOM: If you say so.


ME: Okay, hold it out so people can kinda see the color.
MOM: [winces]


ME: Seriously, what is all that shit in the bottom? Cat fur?
MOM: No. Chair hasn't been here long enough to get that much fur on it.
ME: So...that's what was in the fabric? That solid stuff?
MOM: Yep.
ME: Jesus.
MOM: Can you imagine what your grandmother's upholstery looked like? With her and Henry smoking four packs a day each? For forty years?
ME: Holy shit. Not to mention their lungs.
MOM: For real.


ME: This is the nastiest thing I've seen in a while.
MOM: Should I open it up?
ME: Ummm...open it up?
MOM: Yeah, see what's happened since I poured it in the jar.
ME: When'd you pour it in there?
MOM: Monday.
ME: Monday? Eeeuuww, I dunno...
MOM: Well, hell, I gotta do something with it.


ME: Eeeeeeuuuuuwwww.
MOM: Mold, or the Black Death, one.
ME: [holding-back-vomit noise] Mmmmmmmnnng!



ME: Are you sure you should be pouring that on the ground? You don't have an EPA permit or anything.
MOM: [sighing] Yeah...
ME: I bet you a dollar the grass there will be dead in a day or two.
MOM: We'll see. [wrinkling nose] Jesus, that's terrible.
ME: I am not coming over there to smell for myself.


ME: Mom, you better get Squob away from that.
HOBBES: Meow? [sniffs liquid]
MOM: Hobbit, don't get near that. It's not for kitties.
HOBBES: [sniffs at length; opens mouth to identify smell; runs away]
ME: Tomorrow, your kitteh will be missing all its whiskers.
MOM: If she's lucky.

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Friday, August 01, 2008

A Mom who sews is a friend indeed

This summer was supposed to be The Summer Miss Kitty Learns How to Sew. But, as you know from having read along the last couple months, my best-laid plans have gone astray. Rather, it's been The Summer Miss Kitty Finally Had an Awesome Class and Did Just about Everything Except Sew.

But never fear—Mom is an expert seamstress, and if she can't teach me how to sew things, she's at least willing to sew things for me. Like this dress, from a 1940s pattern:



I get a LOT of compliments on this one. Years ago, Mom made herself two others just like it in different fabrics, and has since given them to me. I get LOTS of compliments on those, too. Hand-me-downs are the best.

When I was 11 years old, I would wear only one dress to church: a very simple t-shirt-like top sewn to a tiered ruffled skirt. And since this was 1984, the dress was blindingly-bright neon pink with black polka dots, and had a reeeally wide black patent leather belt with it. Mom still has this dress, which I just about wore out, stored away somewhere in her attic. They're probably in the same box with my fingerless lace gloves, leg warmers, and jelly shoes.

And I had completely forgotten about this cute little dress until Mom found some similar fabric one day...



This is from eQuilter.com, a site which is illegal in 29 states. Fabriholics: DO NOT CLICK ON THAT LINK!!!

[sigh] Too late.

Mom sews for me, for my sister, for special occasions, for paying customers. Below is a dress she just finished for my three-year-old step-niece.


Adorable! Bella will love it. And yes, Mom's shirt reads BITE ME.

So I bought the pink-and-black fabric, and Mom finally found enough time in her busy sewing schedule to whip together the dress, based on yet another vintage pattern...


Awesome! And it's even more awesome with little kittehs in the background!


It has ruffle-y, fly-away sleeves that move so gracefully with the wearer, or with a breeze—or a blast from the A/C vent. I wore it Monday and got so much "Where did you get that dress?" and "Your Mom made it?!?" and "Would she make a dress for me?"

Mom iz teh awsum.



Clarence and Orson didn't help, but I took a picture of them with their new Mommy anyway.



Mom also made this dress for me—the pattern's from the 1960s, and is of fabric that her sister sent along. I have a pair of shoes and a handbag to match the yellow trim. Rock on!


Mini-cheesecakes were involved, too. NOM.

So what's up next on Mom's sewing list? Well, she's currently finishing a Baltimore Album Quilt for her sister and brother-in-law, and then thinks she'll start on a random Christmas-themed quilt. But I've also gone and picked out some more fabric from eQuilter, and bought a few new Vintage Vogue patterns...



Inspiration taken from La Loteria, a Mexican card game. Whaddya think?


This is going to make one helluva sundress.



And this? A shirtdress of some sort; I have a pattern from 1957 that might work. Love the Georgia O'Keeffe-like detail on the morning glories.

Sewing is freedom. When you can sew, you don't have to buy the poorly-made stuff in stores, nor do you have to settle for the limited number of styles and colors out there in one season. You don't have to go with the faddish stuff that will be out of style before I get done typing this paragraph. When you learn to sew, you save money, too, because the clothes you make are the ones you like and will wear frequently—not ones you bought and forgot in the back of your closet. These and many others are why I look forward to learning to sew.

And a Mom who sews is a friend indeed.

P.S. Those of you interested in Mom sewing a custom dress for you, please e-mail misskitty_ep[AT]bellsouth[DOT]net.

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