Student Essay Insanity #9!

This isn't particularly insane or inane; I just thought it sounded funny. From an essay for which the prompt asked students to tell incoming freshmen about a value or belief of theirs that has changed during this first year of college:

Don't get me wrong—I didn't give up my Bible for a bottle of vodka, but I did change my view of drinking and partying, and how that relates to people.

Had the student traded in her Bible, how good a bottle of vodka could she have gotten? Does the translation determine whether you get a bottle of the good stuff? I have a Revised Standard Version, a New King James, and an NIV. What'll each of those get me at the Bible-Liquor Trade-In Store?

Things are crazy this week, but I'll try to post at least every other day. I've discovered that blogging keeps me sane. Who would've thought?

Myrtle Mae is Internet-wide!

Thanks to Cherie, who let me know that my post "Amazing Grace, Poultry-Style" was featured today on ChickenFlicker's One-A-Day section. Each day, ChickenFlicker features a new chicken-related story, and Cherie found, posted, and linked to the tale of Myrtle's wandering out the open backyard gate last month. Thanks, Cherie!

As to the culprit: I still don't know who sneaked in and left the gates wide-open, so to date there have been no testicles (or ovaries) removed with the famous "dull spoon" method.

Slogging through the week

Today is Wednesday, but I'm so exhausted that I'm thinking it has to be Friday afternoon. It's just the end of the term working on me. Students who haven't darkened my office door all semester long are now asking to come by and meet with me. "Where's your office, again?" Well, dipshit, if you don't know by Week 15, you're not gonna know, are you? I swear.

I've had mostly office hours for the last week or so; my students have (hopefully) been using this time to work on their final term papers. As much as I hate the thought of it, I'm going to have to hold their hands next semester and lead them step by step through the research paper process. Perhaps I was lucky in that I learned very quickly (and almost completely on my own) how to write a good college research paper. I don't know what the hell they're learning in high school, but it's not preparing them for college. Most of my students' research paper rough drafts so far have been plot summaries, or sound like an entry from a twisted Encyclopedia Britannica article. I'm also seeing some plagiarism. Students who've been writing at the C level all semester suddenly sound like Michael Crichton. TurnItIn will be the judge of that.

Sorry about the not-so-juicy posts lately...it's all I can do to drag myself to and from campuses right now. I'm fully aware, though, of the promises I made about the orange, and about more Student Essay Insanity. Those will be posted toward the weekend.

I will strangle the next person...

...who walks into my office and presents me with a paper on "A Good Man is Hard to Find," in which he/she repeatedly misspells Flannery O'Conner O'Connor's name.

Even though many of the authors we may write about are dead—and have been for years—we still need to spell their names correctly. It shows we're careful about editing and proofreading. And if someone else were writing about us, we'd want our names spelled correctly, too.

Blogs That Make Me Think: Pass It On!

The wonderful Ms. Kitty made my blog part of a post she called "Blogs That Make Me Think," and for that I am very grateful and humbled. Thanks, Ms. K!

Here are five blogs that make me think, in turn. And that's no small feat, seeing as to 1) how all I do all day is think, and 2) when I come home in the evenings, I'm butt-tired and don't want to do anything but vegetate.

In no special order...

• Ms. Kitty's Saloon and Road Show makes me think about God—in a good way. Unitarian Universalist variety. I am now looking for a UU church near me.
• Why Architects Drink makes me think about buildings and why they're put together (sometimes shoddily) as they are. Mile High Pixie is also my sister, and happens to be my best friend in the whole world.
• Virtual Doug in Vietnam makes me think about teaching in another country, doing good for other people, and enjoying the simple things in life. Doug and his wife, the Mystery Guest Blogger, met while serving in the Vietnam War (Doug as an Army infantry 2nd Lieutenant, and MGB as a nurse), married, and 35 years later decided they'd spend their retirement in Vietnam, teaching English and getting reacquainted with the country and people they grew to love so long ago. They're currently back in Vietnam for a short volunteer trip.
• Going Jesus also makes me think about God—in a good way. Episcopalian variety.
• The Unending Journey of the Wandering Author makes me think about writing: good writing, bad writing, writing by famous people, writing by everyday people, the writing process, my own writing...the list goes on. The Wandering Author reminds me all the time of why I became an English professor.

So how about the rest of you? Which blogs make YOU think?

Spring Beauty 4: D2U Snapdragons

The snapdragons have already started the spring/summer riot of colors. I love walking around campus to see the huge array of colors they show each year.

Still a lot of insanity going on this week—and still this weekend—but I hope to have some free time soon to write up an intelligent post and fill everyone in on the craziness. Yes, I'm going to do something to the poor orange this coming week. And I have more Student Essay Insanity for your snarky pleasure.

Long time, no post

And it may be a while before I post again.

This week is insane. I'm in the thick of end-of-semester craziness at D2U, and beginning-of-quarter craziness at Tiny Tech. I'm also having my teaching observed at Small Military College on Thursday evening. Aaaack!

I'll post more exciting stuff as soon as things settle down a bit. And yes...the orange WILL be split open this week.

UPDATE, Thursday 19 April, 10:20pm: The SMC teaching observation was a success. Thanks for all your good-luck wishes!

Horrible news

News has just arrived in my mailbox that the son of one of my Awesome Methodist College colleagues was among those killed today in the shooting at Virginia Tech.

Please keep all of those affected in your thoughts and prayers.

End of the Semester: Certain Semi-Private Conversations in One Act

SCENE: mailbox area, English Department office, Division II University.

Enter MISS KITTY, thirty-ish, petite, adjunct English professor.

MISS KITTY: [peering into her mailbox] Hmm, junk mail. [rifles through various brochures]

Enter DR. WHO, mid-fifties, average build, tenured English professor. Weary man-of-the-world air about him.

MISS KITTY: Hi, Bill. How’s it going?

DR. WHO: Morning, Kitty. It’s going fairly well for a Monday. [peering into his mailbox] Oh, I spoke too soon.

MISS KITTY: What’s wrong?

DR. WHO: Look at all these essays in my mailbox! [brandishing sheaf of 20 student essays]

MISS KITTY: Oh, wow! More papers to grade! At least the students put them in your mailbox, where you could find them.

DR. WHO: They could’ve saved me some time by putting them in the shredder.

Student Essay Insanity #8!

This crop of bloopers and non-sensical sentences comes to us from the D2U Writing Improvement Project, for which I have spent my last two weekends in Grading Hell.

All the bloopers below are from first-year (freshman) writers. High school teachers need to step things up a bit, don't you think? All of the essays below were supposed to follow a writing prompt which asked the students to describe their best-ever educational experience and WHY it was such a good experience. Very few actually did what the prompt asked. Most answers were full of trite expressions and vague generalities. Plenty of others were so full of grammar and mechanical errors as to be nearly incomprehensible.

So—onward and upward. I could not make these up, folks.

From an essay on working in the kitchen of an upscale country club:
--I first help prepare the salads that had pickeld beats cube, asparagus, and scope of cream corned ice cream over spinach leaves.
--Then I went to kitchen to help prepare the third and forth course.

From another vague and nonsensical excuse for an essay:
--It's not being close-minded, it's time management.

(Don't you wonder whether the KKK has considered using this line of reasoning?)

From an essay about a math instructor:
--Unlike some instructors who rush into the lecture without focusing on making sure the student understand the words that are spoken becasue of the knowledge about the subject.
--He always made sure that he wrote down each note on the board, instead of speaking orally and draw us a visualization of each step to help us remember more clearly.

From an essay that focused on being busy:
As the semester ended I was rewarded with my hard work.

And, last but never least:
College has helped me extremely and I really think it has beneficial to my life.

That last one sums up this whole post.

The Orange Project: Week 11 (or thereabouts)

Almost three full months since I first set this poor bedraggled fruit on my desk at D2U. And it looks it, too.

I'll be taking the orange home this afternoon to split it open for your forensic-produce pleasure. You're welcome.

Student Essay Insanity #7

It's early, and I'm grading like a madwoman.

This time, I have just one hilarious quote from a real student essay:

If I had a nickel for every time someone has told me that my college years would be the best ones of my life, I'd at least be close to rich by now.

Amen, brother! Amen!

More hilarious examples on Friday. I've been grading the Regents' Exam and another special essay-writing project at D2U, and there are many, many bloopers for your snarky pleasure.

Spring Beauty 3: Awesome Methodist College

I am happy and fortunate to teach at a college where they take groundskeeping so seriously.

Here's a gorgeous Kwanzan cherry tree in full bloom near the art building.

White azaleas are beautiful against the green backdrop of the leaves...

...as are their double-ruffled fucshia counterparts.

I'll post photos of the roses and irises when they start up.

Here's your Easter chicken!

Or your Easter Monday chicken, if you prefer.

"Got something for me, Mama?"

I sat down in a plastic lawn chair right after I took this pic...and look what happened:

HELP! There's a chicken in my lap!

I'm so shocked, I can't even get her head in the frame!


I did not expect this to happen. She just hopped up in my lap without any warning. I guess I'm officially her mother now.

Hope everyone had a happy and blessed Easter. Now just think: only three more weeks to go in this semester!


In other news: I really like the sound of cranking tractors. Scroll to the bottom of the new web page and move your mouse pointer across each tractor to hear it start up.

You can take the girl out of the country...

Further SBCC-related news, which does not surprise me in the least

Frequent commentor and partner-in-crime Orchidophile directed my attention to this NPR news story, and while Small 'Bama Community College is not one of those named in the piece, I would not at all be surprised if it were under investiagtion very soon.

Yes, scandal is hitting the Alabama Two-Year College System very hard these days. Right now, they're concentrating on colleges in Birmingham (where they run for guv'nor, thank you Lynyrd Skynyrd) and Mobile. When they get around to it, though, there's enough screwy business going on at SBCC to keep the investigative committee busy for years to come.

I'll send this link to my D2U colleague Dale* as well. He remarked again at this morning's Special Projects session that he was still going to apply for the full-time SBCC job. [sigh] I tried again to warn him of the bullshit he'd be in for if he got it, but to no avail.

Blast from the Past: A quick SBCC update

Dale*, my D2U colleague, just leaned in my office door to let me know that Small 'Bama Community College, which I was very happy to leave back in December, is once again looking for a full-time English instructor. Dale mentioned that he might put in for that job because it's close to his home. "Think you might apply for it?" he asked me.

"Ha! I wouldn't go back to that place if you held a gun to my head," I replied. "They have all these awesome diploma programs, and they're nationally recognized for many of those programs, but they skimp on their core classes and treat their instructors like crap."

"Really? Wow, now that salary doesn't sound so good."

I sighed. "They hired a new full-timer last year, and I bet that person got sick and tired of the school's B.S. and left. If you think you can put up with micromanagement and back-stabbing, go right ahead, but don't say I didn't warn you."

Funny how SBCC runs off every good instructor they get. I might be poorer for leaving there, but I sure don't miss the headaches, whiny students, and administrative drama. Whew!

No posts, no worries

Things are crazy this week on many fronts, so there probably won't be any new posts until after next Monday, April 9.

Happy Easter! I'll write more after the holiday weekend.

The Orange Project: Week 9.5

I do believe this project has just about reached its conclusion. Next week: I'll cut the fabled orange open to see what the inside looks like—thanks to Captain Obvious for the idea—and share the results with you here on E&P.

The last thing I want to see while putting gas in the truck

A red wasp! Building a nest! Inside the fuel door of the truck! I almost soiled my drawers.

Luckily, I had an umbrella behind the seat and was able to knock-n-stomp. It was stomp or be stung, and I don't do very well with wasp stings.