New Year's Resolutions at the Happy Kitten Cottage

In 2007, DeeDee resolves to [ahem] "help" Mama more around the house.

Hobo Kitty resolves to play more with the cat toys to which everyone else seems oblivious.

Joy's resolution is to snuggle with everyone who stops by the HKC.

Lewis plans to be more fierce, and kick more ass.

Martha Ann (aka Squirrel) resolves to look as pitiful as possible in all family photos.

Little Guy's New Year's Resolution is not to get snuggled by insane Georgia fans.

Clark resolves not to eat the whole thing in 2007.

Graya resolves to enjoy to the fullest extent her status as Oldest-Bestest Cat.

Myrtle Mae's resolution? To eat more fresh vegetables and whoop more cats in 2007. Oh, and beg Mama for a few buddies of the poultry persuasion.

On this rainy New Year's Eve in Georgia, I'm recovering from last night's UGA-Virginia Tech bowl game, which the press is calling "a comeback upset of No. 14-ranked Virginia Tech" but which I'm calling Georgia Miraculously Manages Not to Completely Fuck Up Their Season. Seriously, though, the Dawgs really did pull off a huge upset last night. My hangover will probably wear off about this time next week.

Without you readers, E&P would not be possible. Thank you for your support and readership! I wish each and every one of you a Happy New Year. May your 2007 be filled with peace, happiness, and plenty.

And chickens!

Christmas Turkey

Last Friday (December 22), I was a free woman, done with grading and testing. Sis, who was visiting from Denver, and I went out shopping and had a good time. On the way home, we stopped at our favorite local BBQ joint--where our names have been engraved onto our usual seat, we're in there so often--for some sliced pork barbeque and Brunswick stew. We were having a great time, laughing and talking, free from workaday worries...

...when my cell phone rang. I reached for it in the depths of my purse, thinking it might be Mom. But it wasn't Mom's number on the Caller ID.

"Who is it?" Sis wanted to know.

It was a number I didn't recognize, one from the 334 area code--somewhere over in Alabama. "Probably a wrong number," I said, "or a student from SBCC. I already got one e-mail asking about grades; a lot of these SBCC online students don't know they have to go online to get their grades." I hit Ignore and sent the call straight to voicemail. "I'll check the message later."

A couple hours later, I checked the message. Lo and behold, a nervous voice spoke to me across the miles:

"Hey, Miss Kitty? This is Joe Bob Sprayberry* from your Small 'Bama Community College online class? Umm, I'm calling about my grade in your class. I got an F and I don't understand why. Can you give me a call and let's straighten this out? Thanks!"

Joe Bob* was indeed in my online Comp I class at SBCC. And he did not turn in anything after the first essay due in early October. Nor did Joe Bob* participate in the Discussion Board. Therefore, he got an F.

Some of you are asking, "You didn't drop this guy when he quit participating?" I know that's how it works at every other college--I should explain before I go any further. SBCC has what must be a racket to scam the federal government out of education loan funds. Instructors are not allowed to drop students from classes, no matter how egregious the students' behavior, or how non-participatory they are. When I first hired on at SBCC, one fellow slept--head on his desk, mouth open, drooling copiously--in the front row of one of my remedial classes. When I went to the dean's office to drop him, I was told that wasn't possible. "Instructors have to file a Mid-Term Grade Warning," the dean told me, "and then the student gets a letter sent home saying that he/she is in danger of failing the course. Then it's up to the student to withdraw from the class." It's a bullshit policy, but that's SBCC for ya.

I was unable to drop Joe Bob* from my online SBCC class, so I did what I was supposed to do. In early October, I filed a Mid-Term Grade Warning for him and figured he'd be off my roll within a week or so. Evidently, this didn't happen. When I went to enter final grades for SBCC, Joe Bob* was still on there in all his F-ed up (pun intended) glory. So he got the failing grade.

Sis and I had a good laugh. Mom and Steve did, too, when I told them this guy's nerve. How could he not know why he had failed the class? Sheesh.

Yesterday, on the way to Atlanta to take Sis and Guy back to the airport, my phone rang again. It was a 334 number, and I sent it to voicemail so I could check the message later. For Pete's sake, it was CHRISTMAS DAY. It was probably a wrong number, someone wanting to send holiday wishes to family over in Small Town.

I checked the message when I got back home. "Umm, Miss Kitty? This is Joe Bob Sprayberry* again, from you Small 'Bama Community College online class? Umm, I'm really, really worried about my grade and I'm wonderin' how come I got an F. Can you call me so we can straighten this out? My number is 334-xxx-xxxx. Thanks!"

On CHRISTMAS DAY, my friends.

The guy gets no callback. He can sit on it and spin.

Merry Christmas!

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas filled with love, peace, and hope. And chickens!

"You have reached Miss Kitty's voicemail. The semester is over. Go away."

I wrapped up all grading and course-related work on Thursday, December 21, but I'm still getting e-mails and phone calls from students asking about grades. One student *still* does not know that SBCC hasn't mailed out paper grade reports in, oh, five or six years; she e-mailed frantically this morning wondering what her grade is. I'll e-mail her back...after Christmas. Maybe.

And I just re-recorded my outgoing voicemail:

Hello, students and colleagues! You’ve reached Miss Kitty's voicemail at xxx-xxx-xxxx. Exams are over, and grades have been posted. I will be away from the office until January 2. Please relax, enjoy the break, and worry about classes on January 2. Thanks, and have a great day.

Which is a little nicer than saying, "Put a sock in it for another nine days, and give me some breathing room, you ingrate."

Random Thursday pictures

Hobo Kitty is feeling more and more at home every day. She's one of the sweetest, friendliest cats I've ever had. Originally, I was going to find her another home, but I've decided to keep her.

Lewis gets in the Christmas spirit by keeping her Ninja Paw (and a large can of whoopass) at the ready.

Clark's awful about taking over folks' chairs when they get up to pour themselves another cup of coffee. At 17 pounds, it's tough to shove him out of the way, so I just sit on him. He moves...eventually.

Badass blue-flame robe handmade by Mom. She'll make you one, too, for a reasonable fee.

Reverting to kittenhood: Clark "nurses" on anything fleece that smells like Mama.

CLARK: [prrprrprrrrrrr] [knitknitknit]

LGUY: What a perv.

The most pweshus time of the year

So Mom inexplicably brought home from the recycling center--where you're supposed to leave things--a Pweshus Moments figurine box.

ME: What the fuck is this for?

MOM: [wide grin] It's for YOU! I know you LOVE Precious Moments!

ME: You're kidding, right?

MOM: Of course. I couldn't do that to you. The box is empty.

ME: Whew. [reading from box top] "Precious Moments last forever."

MOM: Not if you use a big enough hammer.

It's amazing what some research time in the library can reveal

Scholars have debated for years whether Christopher Marlowe was the real author of many of Shakespeare's plays. While there's plenty of conjecture to be made about that, one thing is for certain: the Bard loved cats. Take a look at this scene from Act IV of Othello, the Moor of Venice.

******************************************

[Enter Desdemona, with her maid Emilia]

DESDEMONA: Forsooth, good Lord! Where could it be?
EMILIA: What, my lady?
DESDEMONA: I' the closet? Nay, nay. [searching all about room]
EMILIA: Look'st thou for thy handkerchief, my lady?
DESDEMONA: Believe me, I had rather have lost my purse
Full of crusadoes; and but my noble Moor
Should find me lacking.
EMILIA: Marry, fair Desdemona! For what look'st thou?
Would that thy humble servant
Could help thee find it.
DESDEMONA: Out of doors? I' the bedcovers?
Zounds, that he should be gone!
EMILIA: Aha! Thou search'st for thy husband the Moor!
DESDEMONA: Nay, nay...for pretty Andiamo.
EMILIA: Thy cat, that Othello gave thee
As a gift to the fruitfulness
Of thy marriage? Missing already?
DESDEMONA: Aye. Nowhere is he. Cassio was right:
Fixed should have we that sprightly
Big-bellied feline. And now Andiamo,
My mirror-eyed joy, hath departed
To roam the town in search of--
EMILIA: My lady! In comes thy husband!
DESDEMONA: Hide thyself! I shall pacify him
For the time present, until you and I
Have made a full and present search
Of every canal, every alley in Venice, both watered
And fulsome of felines.

[Enter Othello, visibly tired.]

DESDEMONA: Good my Lord! How fares my noble
Dark-visaged groom?
OTHELLO: The rigors of commanding armsmen
Take their toll on my weary brow.
Come, come, Desdemona--bring thee Andiamo
And sit awhile with thy husband.

[sits on bed] Aaaaaack!

DESDEMONA: What, my Lord? Art thou affrighted?
OTHELLO: Aye! I' faith, what be this smell, this goo?
By the womb of fair Mary, I--
DESDEMONA: Know I do not, my Lord...
OTHELLO: Aha! But know I do, fair wife.
Where be thy cat? Shat the bed hast he!

[begins tearing room apart]

Thou lily-livered, mackerel-breathed snot!
Thou louse-eared, strumpet-assed cat!
DESDEMONA: Good my Lord, I do not know!
Run away hast he.
OTHELLO: Harlot, that thou should so openly
And flagrantly deny thy husband's
Love and generosity! What hast thou done
With thy cat? Answer, trumpet of Delilah!
DESDEMONA: No, my lord! [exit Desdemona]
OTHELLO: Shat the bed hast this horrid cat.
No litter box good enough--not even one
As vast as the sands of my Afric home.
Denutted shalt thou be, O inordinate beast!

[exit Othello]

[Enter Cat, jumping down from rafters]
CAT: Prrrowww? Prrrrt? [Exeunt.]

Li-barry

That's the Southern pronounciation of library.

I'm in the Tiny Technical College li-barry today, giving in-person exams to online students. TTC has good reasons for wanting students to take paper-based, live exams, but it still chaps my ass to have to be over here while my sister is in town. It'll be over soon enough, though. Thankfully, Tiny Tech papers are generally pretty easy to grade.

D2U grades are due by noon tomorrow (Tuesday). They should be pretty easy to knock out. I don't have much to do for research papers and portfolios, since students ideally have done as much rewriting and revising as possible on these two items before turning them in. Sis took a look at a few of my D2U students' research papers last night, and she was 99% on target as to the grades the papers would get. I told her she should go back to graduate school and get an English degree. Heh.

Excuses, excuses

While I usually try to give students the benefit of the doubt, Jay-Lynne*, one of my D2U students, has truly tried my patience this semester.

There's always a (generally believeable) reason why Jay-Lynne* isn't in class or doesn't have her work. Her sweet, somewhat ditzy demeanor gets her by in life. How could anyone be mean to someone so unassuming, so soft-spoken? How could anyone give a bad grade to someone so kind, who works so hard, and who has such good intentions? Past teachers probably let her slide because she was so nice, and it's worked.

Until now.

In times of family emergency, with proof, I'll allow students to make up missed assignments. And her grandmother was sick...right around the time Essay #2 was due. But Jay-Lynne* didn't turn it in, or even ask about my accepting a late paper. Strangely, after she returned from "visiting Grandma in the hospital," she kept asking what I had done with Essay #2, and I kept telling her every time she asked, "You didn't turn it in, remember? It was the one where you had to analyze a music video."

She gave me a blank look, and said in her very soft, have-to-strain-to-hear-her-in-class voice, "But I turned it in...why don't you have it?" When I asked her which video she'd chosen to analyze--so I could remember which paper was hers, and therefore find it in my office--she repeated again, like a broken record, "But I turned it in...why don't you have it?" This happened four times during the last few weeks of the semester. I marked her down for a zero on Essay #2.
Then Jay-Lynne's* poor old grandmother died...right around the time the research paper rough draft was due. She did turn in a rough draft, but it was understandably below par (provided that her grandma really had passed away; I saw no funeral program or obituary from the local paper).

Then there was a fire at her apartment...but no mention of it until right before the final research paper and portfolio were due.

Very fishy. Most students whose lose their homes to fires ask the Dean of Students for an Emergency Withdrawal from all their classes. Not Jay-Lynne*, though. I was suspicious.

The well-publicized, been-on-the-syllabus-since-the-first-day-of-the-semester line in the sand was 5:00pm on Wednesday, December 13. In one last burst of kindness, I told Jay-Lynne* she had until 5:00pm on Friday, December 15, but that that was all I could give her. Hell, I have to get these things graded sometime. Grades are due by noon on the 19th.

So, at 5:15pm Friday, this arrived in my D2U e-mail inbox. I have changed nothing from the original message:

it'staking me a lil longer to do the work and the paper finally came in the mail yesterday but essay #2 still wasn't there but my phone isn't working right cuz i tried to call back but it wasn't working and i don't have daycare right now but i can mail it to you and have it done before the break if that would be acceptable.sorry to bother you i know your on break but i'm really worried about my grades.

She gets an F.

Let's hear it for sanity in education

A case from Gwinnett County, Georgia, that I've been watching very closely has somewhat been resolved...

MSNBC.com: Mom may appeal Harry Potter ruling

My first reaction is: Lady, if your children are so mush-minded that reading a book will make them try out magic wands, broom-riding, and Quidditch, you should probably lock them in their rooms and brick up the doors.

Banning books is often more about parental fear than anything else: "What if my children try something I don't want them to try? What if they go against what we've been telling them is the truth all this time?" Well, that's a risk every parent has to take. As my mom says, "You have to learn to live with the knowledge that your child is going to try and do all kinds of things, and you can't be there to watch them."

Kids eventually have to make their own hard decisions. It's part of growing up. Reading new ideas and questioning them is part of this process.

I would also say to the mom who's been trying to get Harry and his friends removed from Gwinnett school libraries that if she's really been raising her kids in a strong faith, reading Harry Potter won't sway them in the least. They'll see it as a wonderful reading escape--and they might actually enjoy reading for once. It might even make them start asking questions about ethics, friendship, and the origins of evil. Talk about a great way to get kids the hell away from video games and TV!

What do you want to bet this woman hasn't even read the books?

My D2U students often tell of how some kid's parents at their schools (and it seems as if it happens at SO many schools!) tried to get Harry Potter, or Go Ask Alice, or Catcher in the Rye, or _________ [fill in book title here] taken out of the library. Why is there such an epidemic of this kind of nonsense? And why at so many schools? Even at my small, poor, rural Georgia high school, no parent ever tried to get books removed from the library. (Of course, a student Bible group tried to get the prom cancelled one year after a traveling evangelist came to town for a revival...but that's another story.) Why do we seem to hear so much more of this now that Harry Potter is popular?

I went to a conference at West Virginia University last year to present a paper, and had the opportunity to sit in on a panel entitled "The Literary Merits of Harry Potter." This was by far the most fascinating panel of the entire three-day conference. Four English professors from all over the country--two of whom were devout Christians--put forth their papers on why J.K. Rowling's series was so important in today's literary conversation. One of the Christian professors' papers was titled, "Christian Symbolism and Archetypes in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban." It was a real learning experience for me. I'd never stopped to consider any links between C.S. Lewis and Rowling.

Why on earth can't these anti-Potterites stop and consider something other than their own bowel-freezing fear of the unknown? It boggles my mind.

Parents, there are a lot of things out there that can harm your children more than books. Put your attention where it really belongs: on keeping your kids in school, into learning, off of drugs, out of gangs--out of despair.

Let them read and figure things out for themselves. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. Your confidence in their intellectual and spiritual strength will be among the greatest gifts you give them.

Busy

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. It is Hell Time in E&P-Land, a time during which I do little other than grade papers. D2U students are turning in their final portfolios today; I am waiting in my office for them, sniffing a king-size Sharpie and throwing pencils at the ceiling. So far, about a dozen students out of 100 have come by to turn in their portfolio. The rest will all show up at 5pm, the little turdknockers. Happens every time.

There are a few students who have yet to turn in any of their final assignments. They'll be getting F's and some very hurt feelings. Funny how the ones who don't turn in the bulk of their assignments are usually offended and shocked at the failing grade they get.

As of Thursday evening, I will be done for good with Small 'Bama Community College, provided I can get away from there with a minimum of student bitching or administrator questions. I'll miss the extra money but will manage to find it from another source. I'd rather have to tighten up my budget than be miserable.

Tiny Tech's quarter doesn't wrap up until December 21, which sucks. Sis will be in town for a week beginning the 17th, so instead of spending time with my sister, I have to spend my valuable vacation time giving in-person exams to an online class. And I am not getting paid to come to campus. There is much grumbling in the TTC online ranks.

I'll post again when I have a little time, or when I need a break. And of course I'll post any outrageous sentences I come across.

Student Essay Insanity #4!

Yet another installment of hilarious bloopers and unintentionally funny sentences from real college students' essays!

Today's gems are brought to us courtesy of the Georgia Regents' Exam.

...the tragic events of November 11, 2001

Prior to moving to Georgia, I had never been exposed to violent weather, fried foods, or sweet tea.

Pets can also be used in harsh ways.

Some negative things about being a goal-oriented person is that it tends to make me anal.

Sex is like murder.

And my personal favorite from this bunch...
Christmas is a celebration of death.

The papers keep him warm.

Little Guy is so sweet to help me grade.

Average research paper (rough draft) grade so far: C-

I had to attend a meeting on Friday, which took an hour out of my office time. So I left a note on the door to inform students that I'd be back at 3:15pm and would stay until 5:00pm to make up for the lost time.

Most failed to read it. Instead, according to the colleague whose office is across the hall from mine, most threw tantrums in the hall upon seeing that my door was closed. Dale* heard the commotion and stuck his head out the door when he heard three little girls--and that's really what they are, little girls in 18-year-old bodies--badmouthing me where most of the building could hear: "I can't believe that bitch isn't here! She said she was going to be here all week! It's her fault if I fail this class! Damn that fuckin' bitch!"

Dale* asked them sweetly, "Ladies, did you read the note on the door? She'll be back shortly."

Their demeanor changed immediately. "Oh! Wow! Geez, we didn't see that! Umm, thank you, sir!" I think I know who the three hissy-fitters are. They're marginal students who've waited until this week to get concerned about their grades. Guess they didn't count on any grown-ups hearing their profanity-laced rants.

How many students came back to get their drafts after 3:15pm? Six of the 30+ who had come by in the hour I was in the meeting. Going home early on Friday supersedes doing well in school. It makes perfect sense.

Dr. Pepper* is already preparing for the barrage of grade challenges that are sure to flood her mailbox after the semester's end.

Heh.

That's about what I would have given it

Confessions of a Teenage Fug Queen

The ladies at Go Fug Yourself have done it again. This time, it's not a delightfully wicked critique of some celebrity's fashion disaster, but a graded critique (in red pen, no less!) of Lindsay Lohan's latest poorly-written diatribe, direct from her BlackBerry. The pix are hilarious!

From the review: "Ergo, the scribbles in red should be considered reflective of a larger and more involved path Ms. Lohan should take, and not the fully exhaustive edit and grammatical bitch-slapping that is likely required." Tomorrow, I'm going to find a reason to say "grammatical bitch-slapping" while at work.

Heather and Jessica: are you sure you weren't English teachers in a past life?

Summer of Tomato Glory: Update #5 (or thereabouts)

It's only been bearing since July.

I know, I know: "Summer?!? It's December, for crying out loud!" But my tomato plants have been perfectly fine until now. It's the weirdest thing.

The hard freezes we've been having here have finally killed the trusty 'Rutgers' (aka Stems of Steel) heirloom plants. I'm amazed they were able to hold up this long. They worked hard all summer long and provided me (and Myrtle Mae) with many tasty fruits. I can't wait for next summer.

I'm at home today, where I've been grading most of the day. I'll be grading much of this evening, too, and will probably see students all day Friday.

I left a note on my office door: "Miss Kitty will not be in on Thursday. Please e-mail her at ------ if you have any questions that cannot wait until Friday." All day, I've heard from three students.

The end of the semester will not be pretty.

Found beauty

Found on a rainy sidewalk at D2U last week.

The faded yellow of the sticky-note among the wet brown leaves caught my eye. I stopped and picked up the note, which had dirt all over it. It made me sad, but it was also haunting and beautiful, a snapshot of a relationship that is no more.

The sidewalk where it was lying is near the largest student parking lot at D2U. It looks as if it's been out in the weather for at least a few weeks, and as if it's been stepped on a number of times. The note, along with whatever item was attached to it, must have been on someone's windshield.

Why am I here?

In this office today, I mean?

Since 8:00 this morning, I've seen a total of two students. Two students of 100 have come in for help in five-and-a-half hours. TWO.

There are going to be some very hurt feelings in about two weeks. Evidently, most of my students are mighty confident about their chances of doing well in Comp I. The papers that they turned in Monday and Tuesday are evidence that their confidence is false. The highest grade I've given out so far is a C+.

I'm going home to grade. To hell with sitting in a freezing-cold office.

Too good to save until next week

From a D2U student's research paper entitled "America and the Aftermath of 9/11:"

The Bush Doctrine states...that we would not make any distinctions between the terrotits and those ho harbor them.

Student Essay Insanity #3!

That’s right—another whopping dose of madness from actual essays, written by actual college students. You know you love it!

Before we get started, a weird note from my 4:30 D2U comp class: three students out of 24 used the word "ass" in their latest essays, as in "Britney Spears is always on TV shaking her ass." I gave the class a serious lecture on appropriate language registers for college essays...which I thought we had covered, oh, 15 weeks ago at the start of the term. [sigh]

On with the buttocks countdown.

This week’s unintentionally funny/poorly-worded group (in which rear ends make an encore appearance) is brought to us by the Georgia Regents’ Exam, as well as by my Tiny Tech and D2U students. I wrote down most of these while grading the Regents’ a few weeks ago; I do this every time I score Regents’ exams OR grade my own students’ papers. I save the atrocious examples to share with my classes...and E&P readers, of course.

I’ve left the original spelling, grammar, and wording—it’s ALL there. I couldn’t make these up if I tried.

Sex is a fun activity enjoyed by most adults.

I am a very stressful person.

With a college degree, there are know obstacles.

People with low self-esteem usually have little or no friends.

People can be criticized when they are misunderstanding, being offended, or being anal.

Abusive families are becoming very popular in today’s society.

Teenagers run away from home when they are addicted to drugs because their parents and families will not let them do drugs.

And my very favorite of today’s group...
When I arrived at church, the deacons were singing a hymen.