As requested...

So here is the link for the Black-Eyed Pea Caviar (also called Southern Caviar). There are no fish eggs involved, so don't sweat it. P. Allen Smith featured this recipe on his website a while back, thankfully, because I'd been wondering how to make it for the longest. I first had this appetizer at a party a few years ago and found it positively addictive. It's best with tortilla chips or toasted pieces of pita bread, or you can serve it as a side dish with chicken or fish.

Gardenias on the back porch

They smell just as gorgeous as they look, too.

My sister has had a gardenia in her Denver apartment for a couple of years now and can't seem to get it to bloom. She's thinking it might be the Zone 5 location: too cool and not quite enough sunlight to get it to flower. When I told her my gardenia (on the border between Zones 7 and 8) was blooming, she replied, "You. Suck."

"Well," said our midwestern Mom, "there's got to be some advantage to living in the South." Maybe gardenias that bloom every year are it.

Of course, there are other advantages besides being able to get your gardenias to act halfway decent. Barbecue, Brunswick stew, sweet tea, buttermilk pie...yeah, those are other good things about the South. I could list many more, but they're probably best saved for another posting.

Berries: the antidote for blahs

OK, so I don't know that that's necessarily true, but it's worth a shot. The blueberry bushes in my yard have started making berries, and these are among the first to ripen. It's a miracle that this many made it back into the house--most of them I ate straight off the bush. They're tastier and better for me than a handful of Vicodin, anyway.

It's been a really nice Memorial Day Weekend, and I'm sorry it's ending. I have the Sunday blahs--you know, that feeling you get late Sunday afternoon that tells you oh, shit, the weekend's over and I have to go back and face all those idiots again tomorrow morning--except it's Monday. So I guess this is the holiday weekend blahs.

There was grilling and visiting and laying around, and it was all good. The Colonel was here briefly, and now he's gone again, on the road back home. At this point, it looks as if he'll be staying put in the Great Hillbilly Yonder for the summer. He's usually at Ft. Lewis, Washington, each summer training ROTC cadets to find their asses with both hands and a flashlight way out of the woods, but things haven't worked out so far for that trip. Not that it'll hurt my feelings to be able to see him on a regular basis this summer, instead of doing like usual and saying good-bye from early June until right before Labor Day. It's nice to get to see one's sweetie regularly. Especially when one has Fridays off all summer long.

Despite my best efforts, I can't get back into the syllabus/planning/answering e-mails/grading papers thing. I feel like a toddler. Don't wanna learn. Don't wanna teach. Don't wanna plan. Don't wanna grade. Wanna sit here and study my navel and slurp on a margarita. All right, so the part about the margarita's not very toddler-y. [pout] WaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA...!!!

This is where Mom comes in: "Dry it up! Dry it up! Or I'm gonna give you somethin' to cry about!"

Too hot even to meow

Clark at 4:00 this afternoon in the living room floor. 93 degrees with 49% humidity. Whew.

Memorial Day inertia!

The long holiday weekend--and the promise of fantastic food--has me so lazy that I'm barely able to post. Mom, Steve, and I are going to grill, grill, grill this weekend. I've already made Orange Brownies and may end up making Black-Eyed Pea Caviar (thanks to P. Allen Smith, High Priest of the Zone 8 Garden) to eat with tortilla chips. The Colonel may or may not be here this weekend; he's working like a madman on his rental property after having been given a "Crappy-Looking P.O.S. House" citation by the city.

So bear with me. I'll post more interesting stuff after Memorial Day's come and gone.

Currently in west central Georgia: it's 87 degrees with 57% humidity. Ahhhh...my kind of weather.

My favorite time of year

May is a wonderful month. I wish we could extend it another couple of weeks so that it would end on, say, May 44th or something like that.

I like May so much because of all the new things happening each year during this month. The weather warms up. Plants and flowers put out new growth and bloom. Baby animals frolic. Students graduate. Neighbors throw backyard parties again. Freshly-cut lawns fill the air with the clean scent of grass. Spring Semester comes to a close.

And there's a substantial break between Spring Semester and Summer Term.

Well, not really. I still have my Tiny Tech online courses to look after (and I'm not doing a good job of that at all this term), and SBCC just began its summer term on Tuesday. But D2U has a nice long break, from May 10 to June 8, between Spring and Summer Terms. Yeah, sure, there's MayMester, but since I don't feel I can really teach much in a four-week term, I've yet to volunteer for a class during that time. Well, that and MayMester classes meet four days a week, three hours a day. I'd be burned out faster than you can say "academic overcommitment." But that month-long break between terms is a lifesaver for me.

So right now I just have online stuff to take care of and one little SBCC class to go to Monday and Wednesday evenings, and the rest of the time I can be at home. Ahhhhhh.

I stay in my nightgown until well after lunchtime. I play with kitties, take care of my garden, do a little cooking, enjoy the nice spring/summer breezes coming in through the windows, watch the neighborhood from my front porch, sleep in...all the stuff that I don't get to do when the semester's in session. It's a wonderful feeling. Of course, I'll be back to a weird schedule not long after Memorial Day, but Summer Term's fairly light, with a load of only six classes. You read correctly: only six classes.

I'll post the pictures from the cross-country drive before long. I'm waiting for the old-fashioned 35mm prints to come back from the developer. (My cell phone camera's memory filled up pretty quickly, so I resorted to more traditional means of photography.) Boy, was it ever a fun trip! I told Val we'd just have to find another reason to drive that 1500+ miles again...and take longer next time we do it. I still want to stop in Kansas and see the World's Largest Prairie Dog, which we didn't have time to do this trip. And we have to stop at this awful-sounding bakery in Falkville, Alabama...it's a long story.

I'll explain when I post the trip stuff.

Boo-Boo the Wonder Truck

Boo-Boo and I are driving down to SBCC for this evening's class. She's going to be happy now that she's back here in Georgia. I told my sister not to worry about her baby, as I'd drive Boo-Boo all the time and make sure she was in good running shape. She's a Southern truck, you know. Cranking in -5 degree Colorado weather is not her idea of a good time. The coldest it gets here is 15 or 20, and that's usually just a brief, two-day cold snap in January or February. That's a piece of cake.

I still don't know what I'll do with the Blue Mule--that's the '96 Mustang you see behind Boo-Boo. At 247,000 miles, she's been through a lot. Her gas mileage is fairly decent (24 city/31 highway), but she's overheated twice and has a rattling valve, has had major transmission work twice, needs new shocks and struts...the list goes on. I've demanded a lot of her these last seven years, and she's carried me wherever I've asked unless she couldn't help herself and ended up back in the shop. Yep, the Mule and I have been through a lot together--poverty, hard work, heartbreak, frustration, desperation. Mom was kind enough to wash, wax, and detail her while I was out West. So the Blue Mule looks good despite her insanely high mileage.

When I walked out to snap this picture, my outdoor kitty Prue was stretched out on the truck's hood, snoozing in the late-morning sun. That's what Boo-Boo's been missing all this time: sleepy kitties!

Why kids today are so %#^@$*# stupid

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12948895/
MSNBC.com: Many parents encouraging tots to watch TV
Researchers surprised that screen time used as babysitter for youngest kids

I can't believe they're "surprised" that parents are using the TV as a babysitter. They've been doing it for three generations now. And in my composition classes we're beginning to see the idiocy that television produces.

I read in an essay I assigned in one of my comp classes last semester that "television does not make children violent. Rather, it makes them passive." (As soon as I can find the source, I'll list it for you.) I say it makes them both--and much less tuned into the suffering of other people. And it leaves them with very, very little imagination. This proves to be hellacious in lit classes. Poor little things can't even read a poem or story and see in their heads what's happening. [sigh]

When I read articles like the one above, I am eternally grateful to Mom and Dad and Maw-Maw for bringing us up in rural Georgia and Alabama, where we could only pick up three grainy, static-y stations with the rabbit ears atop the TV, and where we took seriously their admonition to "get your butts outside and PLAY!"

On a happier note: public schools are out for the summer here in west central Georgia, and while from now until early August I will be awakened at the crack of dawn by the sounds of kids playing in the street, their mamas and grandmamas are making them stay outside and play all freaking day long. Thank God.

Ponderous things...

My esteemed colleague J.L. e-mailed this today. I've taken this post title from that of his e-mail...

Is there a line between ignorance and incompetence? Or is it that the line is so damned thin that it's indistinguishable where one ends and the other begins? In many respects, I believe the two are one in the same; in others, I believe there's an awful lot of overlap. What do you think?

Hmmm.

When my students are in doubt as to what a word means (denotatively and connotatively), we look it up as a class in the dictionary. This keeps them from misusing quite so many words, and keeps me an honest writer. And J.L.'s question got me wondering.

Here's what I found...

• ignorance (n.): The condition of being uneducated, unaware, or uninformed; the lack of knowledge or education.
• incompetence (n.): The quality or state of being incompetent. From incompetent (adj.): 1. Not qualified in legal terms: a defendant who was incompetent to stand trial; 2. Inadequate for or unsuited to a particular purpose or application; 3. Devoid of those qualities requisite for effective conduct or action.

Hmmm.

Many of my students are ignorant. Some are ignorant simply because they haven't had much education--or a poor-quality high school education. Others are willfully ignorant, the "I refuse to learn anything from you" type. The latter are the ones who often become incompetent when they get out in the work world, regardless of their line of work.

Incompetent? I don't know. I've met some people who just didn't belong in college--who would be better off doing anything except participating in an environment of higher learning. But those people are generally a lot more happy and successful once they get out of college and find their places in the work or vo-tech world. For example, one of my notoriously slack D2U students from last year transferred to Tiny Tech back in the fall--she's in the Radiologic Technology program at TTC and is worlds happier than she was at D2U. And she's making straight A's as opposed to the C's and D's she got in my class. So she was simply in the wrong college shooting for the wrong goal. She's going to be the best x-ray tech that Tiny Tech's ever graduated.

I've met some incompetent teachers and professors, to be sure. Some were just stupid and had survived so long in the profession just due to sheer luck. Some were nice enough people who were stuck in jobs that were way, way over their heads. Being stuck doing things they didn't know how to do made them look dumb. Generally, I feel sorry for folks such as these.

When I really think about it, being called incompetent would be a huge insult as compared to being called ignorant. I'm ignorant about a lot of things: internal combustion, monkeys, death metal, algorithms, Hungarian cinema. However, I can always go find out about these things so I'll no longer be ignorant. On another note, I'm also incompetent at explaining something I'm ignorant about.

Hmmm.

Damned if I know. What do you think, faithful readers?

Rather accurate

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh. You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum. Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Teacher longevity

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5421344
NPR.org: Florida Community Honors Teacher for 69 Years of Service

Now that is one dedicated teacher! If I can be vital and helpful to my students for half this long, I'll consider myself successful.

We're home!

Sis and I arrived at 3:15 this morning, our drive from Colorado complete. Thanks to all of you for your good wishes--the trip was fun and uneventful. I have completely ignored my blog while out West. I'll do better.

Thanks also to those of you who've left comments concerning whoever the hell that is/was/would be impersonating Wandering Scribe. I still don't know how he thinks pretending to be someone else and leaving really nasty posts on other people's sites will help him. Isn't that the funny thing about the internet, though? There's so much potential and wonderful stuff, but idiots pretty much run amok. Before the advent of the internet, people with serious "need for attention" problems just got their asses kicked. Technology has its drawbacks.

I'd go and flag that blog, but it doesn't deserve the extra hit. May he get poked up the butt with his own computer.

Val flies back to Denver tomorrow afternoon. SBCC's summer term starts tomorrow as well, which means late tonight will involve redoing two syllabi very quickly. I'll update and post our pictures, too. The trip has been a lot of fun, and we're still trying to squeeze all the fun we possibly can out of our remaining time. Val is also happy that we got here just in time for warm, humid weather. It's currently 83 degrees with 47% humidity. She misses not having to wear moisturizer all the damn time.

Not much to do in the UK?

I guess not. The moron (or one of the many morons) who seems to have put up an anti-Wandering Scribe site--or at least a weak parody thereof--has revealed himself. Satire's great. Mean and violent satire born out of jealousy and God knows what other pathologies? Umm, I'll pass.

What does the construction/postponement of a Kia plant have to do with calling someone "wankstain," and how does doing so help one convince the world that Wandering Scribe isn't for real? Yeah, I didn't get the connection, either. So much for logic and reason. Hey, jackass: you sound like my students. And I don't mean it in a good way.

Calling someone you don't know names is not going to help you make the case that WS is a fraud. All I'm convinced of now is that you're a blithering idiot (or an unemployed sitcom writer--but then, I repeat myself) and have a very small male member. Way to go, buddy! Now you're just as good as the monkeys at the zoo who fling poop at all the visitors. Nice!

Do something useful with your blog time, like try to get Tony Blair to hurry up and resign. Or maybe discuss the state of education in the UK and how to improve it. Or maybe write your own inventive and creative book. If Wandering Scribe's a fraud, then The Smoking Gun will unmask her as one. Look what they did to James Frey.

When the internet turns ugly

::edited from original posting::

I left a post a while ago on Wandering Scribe's website. She's just gotten a book deal after having had a really tough few months--and her writing's really, really good. But look at what "Wandering Scribe" seems to have left me in my "Comments" section!

YOU ARSE LICKING CUNT !!STAY OFF MY SITE.i DON'T NEED THE THANKS OF A NOBODY, TRYING TO STEAL SOME OF MY LIMELIGHT.I DESERVE IT ALL.FUCK YOU !!!!

Who gives a fuck.Go and sniff some cocaine or whatever it is you fuckheads do.I don't give a shit, WankStain !!

Sorry to shower you E&P readers with this tripe, but I thought you should see it.

Evidently, someone is impersonating poor Wandering Scribe. I'm not sure she'd write something like this, even if she were having a really, really bad day.

Whoever you are trying to steal Wandering Scribe's thunder: I'm going to rip your (tiny little) nuts off when I find out who you are, you chickenshit bastard. Yes, even if I have to reach through the internet to do it.

Well, duh.

From this morning's NCTE e-newsletter--paste the entire address into your browser, as I couldn't make it wrap around:

No States Meet Teacher-Quality Goal Set in Federal Law (The Boston Globe, May 13, 2006)
(free registration required)
http://www.boston.com/news/education/k_12/articles/2006/05/13/no
_states_meet_teacher_quality_goal_set_in_federal_law
Not a single state will have a ''highly" qualified teacher in every core class this school year as promised by President Bush's education law. Nine states, along with the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico, face penalties. The four-year-old No Child Left Behind law says teachers must have a bachelor's degree, a state license, and proven competency in every subject they teach by this year.

How did I know this would be the case with No Child's Behind Left? It's not because I'm psychic, y'all.

My arm, twisted

Miss Kitty is a member of Lies till Eternity Create your own band name @ Quiz Meme

Thanks to SpookyRach and Patti, I now have my very own rock band. How the hell can an internet-based meme give a person such an original band name from just that person's name and favorite word? Beats me. But it's fun.

Try it and see!

Economic renewal? Not so fast.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5407557
NPR: Hyundai Chairman Indicted in South Korea Scandal

I posted a few months ago (on March 13, to be exact) about the small town of West Point, Georgia--"down the road a piece" from Tiny Tech--and how it had won a billion-dollar Kia auto manufacturing plant. In a region where many manufacturing and textile jobs have been shipped overseas, the announcement was truly manna from heaven. Tiny Tech has even gone so far as to start up an Auto Manufacturing Technology diploma program.

But now the president of Hyundai (which owns Kia) has been jailed in South Korea for bribery, and the ground-breaking ceremony in West Point has been indefinitely postponed. I've noticed that it's getting very little coverage in local newspapers. "Maybe if we don't put it in the paper, it won't be true..." So the region continues to play ostrich and stick its head in the sand.

Meanwhile, as I cruised down Interstate 85 a couple weeks ago, I could see from the highway where bulldozers and backhoes are still clearing the land and making room for the plant that may or may not ever be there. [sigh] Mom said the other day, as she filled my sister in on the scandal, "They're already building more strip malls and subdivisions around here, and if that plant doesn't get built, all those buildings are gonna be empty. This area hasn't got anything to fill 'em with." But they're still clearing that land. Hope springs eternal, I guess.

It all makes me very, very sad.

Another short Grade-A-Thon

As I get ready for my Denver trip, I have to take care of a few things before I leave on Thursday. I'll let this serve as my web-based to-do list.

• Get AM4C grades done and turned in by Thursday morning
• Catch up on Tiny Tech online students' grades and have them mailed out by Thursday morning
• Mail portfolios to the few D2U students who wanted theirs back
• Work a little more on D2U summer lit syllabus

But other than that, it's fairly smooth sailing. And while I really hate grading, only having to do two days' worth (or maybe I can even have it all done by Wednesday night, if everything goes smoothly) is a real blessing as opposed to the entire week of it I did last week. Number of students: about 50, as opposed to 120 total D2U students. Hey, that's a piece of cake.

This technically has nothing to do with education...

...but it's how I feel after grading eleven-teen-million essays.

http://flickr.com/groups/stickfiguresinperil/pool/
Flickr.com: "Stick Figures in Peril" photo pool

Thanks to Cathy for the link. Who needs the gym? My abs are getting a workout from all this laughing. Seriously, check out the link. It's priceless!

I love stick figures, especially on unusual public warning signs. My sister, the architect, has to draw up new signage (yes, that's a word) for every new public building she designs. When she gets bored, she designs signs that have stick figures getting into mischief. Perhaps I can find a way to save a couple as .jpg files and post them here. Val, can you draw one up for "No Whiny Students Allowed?"

When good teachers give bad assignments

When I see news items like this, I pray that I'm able to stay away from such lapses in judgment:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12793768/from/RS.4/
MSNBC.com: Alas, poor teacher, I knew him well
Instructor apologizes for asking students to write about whom they’d kill

Evidently, a teacher in St. Joseph, Missouri, gave his students a writing prompt--he asked them to sit down and think about who they'd want to kill, and how they'd go about carrying out the hit. Naturally, once mamas and daddies got wind of this, they raised hell.

If we look at it as a writing prompt, it's not too bad. Talk about an excellent process (or "how-to") essay! It makes students be specific and not general about each step of the process...and who among us has never wanted to kill someone? Let's be honest here.

But this was a drafting class.

And these are high-school students, who are prone to using anything an adult says as permission to do something heinous. I can hear them now: "But Mr. ------- told me to do it!"

At least the fella gets to keep his job. We're all entitled to a mistake now and then.

Wonder if I'd get the same reaction if I used that writing prompt in an SBCC or Tiny Tech class? Hell, I'd probably get fired.

Without each other, there ain't nothin' people can do

I [heart] the Queen of Soul.

Now that D2U's and SBCC's semesters have ended, I have significantly fewer places to go and things to do. But AM4C's spring quarter isn't over until Tuesday evening, and of course my online courses at Tiny Tech are pretty much interminable (TTC has ten-week quarters with just a couple of weeks' break in between). But, all that aside, I still feel like a little kid who's out of school for the summer. I can sleep late, fool around most of the day, and just generally have a good time. A huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. This feeling of freedom makes me almost high.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I am really going to miss my AM4C students. AM4C (Awesome Methodist Four-Year College) sets 25 as the minimum age for the evening program students, so my students are between 25 and 55, and are people (mostly women) who've worked in their fields long enough to get really good at what they do. Many of them are teacher's aides or pre-K teachers; a few are office managers or assistants to local executives. (Our little town has a lot of manufacturing-type businesses, although many textile and plastics plants have closed in the last 15 years and sent all the jobs overseas.) These are the students I live to have in my classes. They're hungry to learn, to know more, to improve their writing, to enlarge their vocabularies. If only all my students were this hungry for a college education.

So the countdown begins to Thursday.

My sister is selling me her little '91 Ranger pickup, aka Boo-Boo the Wonder Truck. On Thursday, I'm flying out to Denver to visit her, and on Saturday we'll be making the long trip from Colorado to Georgia to bring Boo-Boo back home. We're making stops in Missouri (staying with her in-laws) and in Tennessee (visiting the Colonel), so don't worry--we won't be driving straight. We're crazy, but not stupid. We grew up driving everywhere, and once we both could drive, we took road trips together to go visit our dad wherever his job happened to take him: South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia. We're both really looking forward to a blast from the past in the form of a cross-country (well, almost) road trip.

Only 72 hours to go!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

To ALL you moms out there, and my mom, especially--the World's Best Mom! And the World's Most Proficient Cat Wrangler, too!

I wish you a happy, fun, and restful Mother's Day.

NOTE: No cats were harmed in the making of this post. However, two were highly pissed off.

Clark must be back to his old self...

...because look what I found this morning in the hallway!



He sure does love to tear up toilet paper of all kinds. Cheapo store brands, value-packed 1500+ sheets per roll, cushy for-company-only quilted/ridged stuff with aloe...it doesn't matter, because Clark is Equal Opportunity when it comes to TP. Since my Throne Room is in a constant state of repainting/remodeling, I don't have a TP holder mounted on the wall, like civilized people do. So, the roll usually sits on the back of the potty. Clark has long been bad about taking the roll down and dragging it all over the house while using it as a kitty punching bag. I think he and DeeDee used and abused this roll late last night. At least those are the most likely culprits; I wasn't awake to see exactly who it was.

Well, I certainly hope so...

My daily horoscope-via-email:

Career and money matters continue to go well for you, Miss Kitty, and romance is probably on the rise. Your life may be the envy of many around you, but you probably feel that there's still something missing from it. This is a good day to explore metaphysical and spiritual studies. It's a time of transition, and this sort of interest can make things easier for you - especially if those close to you share your interest.

The post-semester fun continues

Yesterday, I spent much of the day at D2U either standing in front of the copier or sitting in front of my computer. All the students who got caught plagiarizing their research papers should be getting their official letters in the mail either today or tomorrow. Dr. Pepper (our department chair) and Dr. H (Academic Dishonesty Panel chair) got all the info yesterday, too.

I was feeling pretty bad about giving these students F's, even though they had cheated and been caught red-handed. If you've never earned an F, you probably don't have a good idea of what it does to your GPA. I earned myself an F in Math 105 as a freshman once upon a time (not due to cheating, but due to being slack and giving up instead of dropping the course when I could), and my decent 3.0 went down to a 1.9 quickly. That woke me up in a hurry. Luckily, all the English courses that I took I aced--it was my major and favorite subject--and that saved me and helped me get into grad school. But I think back and realize that if I'd just dropped that course when it was still possible, I might've ended up with a much, much higher undergrad GPA. And what a difference that would've made in my choice of graduate school!

Anyway--I'm wandering.

As I was in the main office making copies, our trusty receptionist let me know a call for me had come in. I took it at the empty desk in the office. It was the most troublesome of the three students to whom I'd given plagiarism F's.

What she had to say amazed me. She wasn't so concerned that her honor or academic ability was being impugned. Her refrain was, "But I'll lose HOPE if I get an F!" (HOPE, by the way, is the state lottery-funded scholarship for all Georgia college students who keep a 3.0 or higher average.) She also said, "But I didn't mean to cheat!" I should have told her, "Well, I didn't mean to give you an F, it just sorta happened!"

After we hung up, I was amazed. Had someone accused me of cheating on a research paper, I would have freaked out, defended my honor, done everything I could to make sure I was in the right. All this little girl could think about was how she was going to pay for school. Perhaps she'll make more of an effort to do well and not screw around all semester when she has to pay her own tuition.

I think Miss I-Didn't-Mean-to-Get-Caught will be challenging the F. She probably won't get far, though. Upon examining the papers in question, Dr. Pepper looked at me in amazement and said, "These are some of the worst examples of plagiarism I've ever seen." And she's been at D2U for 25 years. "Don't worry," she reassured me. "You're well within your rights to nail these three for cheating."

Dr. Pepper also clarified FERPA for me. Under no circumstances can I speak with a parent about a student's grades, even with written permission. It's simply too dicey. The only person I can talk with is that student. Mrs. So-and-So will have to get her daughter to either come see me or e-mail me her own damn self. Then Princess can break the news to Mom that she only turned in one measly assignment all semester long.

Teacher-on-teacher violence

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12749133/
MSNBC.com: Woman jailed for beating daughter’s teacher
Texas mom was angry over teacher’s confrontation with her child

Now, beating up your child's teacher is terrible. It's also highly immature, cowardly, and trailer-trashy. But when you yourself are a fellow teacher at the same school? That's just heinous. I'm glad the court decided to put Thug Teacha in jail for six months, make her pay restitution to the poor woman whom she beat up, and will see to it that she's never, ever in front of a classroom again.

Thus spake the Lord

A big shout-out to the folks at Church Sign Generator for the lovely custom sign.

I won! I won! I won! I won!

I opened my e-mail a few minutes ago to find out that I'm one of five lucky winners who'll receive Julie Jackson's new book Subversive Cross-Stitch: 33 Designs for Your Surly Side. If you've always been turned off by the idea of cross-stitch, or if you've ever thought cross-stitch has nothing to offer except syrupy-sweet sayings, alphabet samplers, and cutesy barnyard animals...boy, have you got another thing coming. Julie takes time-honored cross-stitch techniques and uses them to make hilariously subversive cross-stitched mementos. Barnyard animals are cuter when accompanied by sayings such as "F&*! Cancer" or "Irony Is Not Dead." Click on the link above to go to her website's book info.

After having given out failing grades to almost 10% of my students this semester, I think a nice, big WTF? stitched in bold colors and framed would look nice on my desk. Don't you?

Thanks, Julie! You're the best!

The defecation hits the oscillation

The fallout from the recently-ended semester's eight F's has begun.

I awoke this morning--and I always sleep in the morning after I post grades--at a nice lazy hour to find this e-mail in both my home and D2U inboxes:

I am [So-and-So], [Student]'s mother, and I'm e-mailing about the F you gave her in your class. What happened? I am very shocked.

My first question was, "What kind of college student sends her mama to bat when she fails a college class?" As the Colonel says so often, many of these kids are just in the 13th grade. (If you missed my post the other day, the student in question is the one whose end-of-semester average was a lovely 10.7. Better than outstanding at a gymnastics meet...atrocious in a college English class.)

Well, Mrs. So-and-So, you shouldn't be shocked. Your daughter sat in the front row of my class for sixteen weeks and turned in one assignment. No weekly homework, no rough drafts, no Essay #2 or research paper...just one essay. Assignments that haven't been turned in can't earn any grade above F. And, Mrs. So-and-So, I don't give grades. Students earn them. The days of professors giving out F's to random students just because they feel like it are long gone (if they ever existed at all).

Thankfully, I have FERPA (Federal Education Right to Privacy Act) on my side. In order to discuss anything about [Student]'s performance in my class with her mama, I have to first have written permission from the student sent to the D2U English Department. My colleagues who've invoked FERPA before say that they usually don't hear from the parent after telling them about the written permission thing. I have to wonder why. Maybe parents in this situation are snooping around in their kids' lives and don't want the kids to know they're still checking up on their progress, even though the kids are out of the house.

More to come on this, for sure! I'll keep you posted.

More Stupid Student Tricks, Spring 2006

See? Not even the mighty General Clark, Supreme Allied Litterbox Commander, can withstand the awfulness of the papers...

"Mom, this is revolting. I can't even bear to look at the portfolios, they're so awful." [barf]

I finished posting my D2U grades about an hour ago. Here are the Stupidity Numbers:

• Three (3) F's due to plagiarism of the research paper (TurnItIn.com found 73-82% of each paper was copy-and-pasted directly from web sites without giving credit to the original authors)
• Five (5) F's due to failure to turn in entire final portfolio or portions thereof
• Four (4) D's due to failure to turn in portions of portfolio or research paper
• Numerous C's due to spring fever, academic/professional overcommittment, or just general apathy

I didn't give many A's this time around; this batch of students just didn't have that many shining stars. I do, however, feel confident that the students who got A's earned them. A few slipped by with B's when I was sooooo hoping they'd end up with C's, but that's the way the numbers averaged up. And I'm obligated to stick by the numbers. Anyway, sophomore-level World Lit with Dr. H_____ or Dr. T______ will kick their butts for sure.

So much for teacher appreciation...

I've just returned home from my AM4C class; oh, how I'm going to miss those students after the quarter's over! Many of the people in there are women from 25 to 55--exceptionally intelligent and motivated non-traditional students--who are in the education or HR fields, and they informed me that all this week is National Teacher Appreciation Week. Wooooo-hooooooo!

So I sit back down at the computer to enter more D2U grades, and lo and behold, what do I find on MSNBC.com but the following:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12705195/
MSNBC.com: Girl suspended for song about shooting teacher
‘On Top of Ol’ Smokey’ spoof gets Georgia teen five-day punishment

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12708247/
MSNBC.com: Mom charged with helping bake Ex-Lax cookies
Laxative prank aimed at teacher leads to assault charge against mother

So it's not just the rugrats--it's their parents, too. Had I been the teacher who was the target of either threat/prank, I'd beat the living hell out of the students' moms & dads (after I got over my initial fear and shock).

One would hope these little girls transfer to another school, or at least another class. As an educator, I know I'd make their lives pure-dee Hell after incidents like these. Yeah, folks--you bring your sorry butts on up to the school and whine about how "that teacher don't like my daughter, 'n that why she's a-failin'!" Heh-heh-heh.

Well, happy Teacher Appreciation Week to all you education people out there. This calls for a tequila shot.

It's National Teacher's Day!

Sadly, I have no apples around the house of which to post pix, so I had to use these photos from the Taylor Gifts catalog. Yes, it's an Apple Chair Pad--okay for a country-themed house, I guess, but sort of a weird present to give to a teacher. It reminds me of a big red...butt. Yeah. The "Teacher Spread," so to speak. "Wow! Mrs. Keebler would love one of these thick foam Apple Chair Pads to put on her chair! It looks so much like her ample rear end! And at $14.99, it's a steal!" [Miss Kitty sizes up her own badonkadonk in mirror; begins to worry]

I hope to eventually have a gallery of Tacky Teacher Tchotchkes on here. In the meantime, I want to say that there is nothing at all wrong with the sweet, quirky, and sometimes unusual gifts that kids (especially younger ones) give their teachers. I got Mrs. T_____, my first-grade teacher, McDonald's gift certificates for Christmas--I threw a fit until my dad went and got $20 worth of the damn things. Yet every time I see Mrs. T_____, she smiles with tears in her eyes and thanks me yet again for the gift from all those years ago. (I hope the tears aren't from remembering a bad case of food poisoning from Mickey D's.)

Really, though--HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY to all you teachers and aides and TAs and professors out there! If it weren't for us, the young people of this nation would be S.O.L. And I don't mean "Soldier On Leave," either.

Stupid Student Tricks--Western Division

I thought I had heard it all when it comes to students pulling boneheaded moves. But it seems that my esteemed colleague J.L. has a situation on his hands in his Computer Drafting class at [Small Western College] that simply beats all. It seems that a particularly slack student has finally done himself in with blatant cheating, trying to steal answers in class from other students, plagiarizing whole sections of programs from various websites, missing copious days of class...oh, the list goes on. Here are e-mail excerpts from both student and professor for your snarky enjoyment.

From J.L. to Bonehead Student, after plagiarism was uncovered, the F had been assigned, and J.L. had finally had enough:
You know [Bonehead Student], it really bothers me how you've managed to miss nearly every lecture this semester, yet you're able to turn in assignments. On close inspection, you've attempted to use techniques to solve the problems in the programming assignment, that I've not presented in any lecture, nor in any of my handouts. Based on what I see, you've either or both been using [Student #1], or other resources, including the Internet, to hack your way through my course, without giving any credit to them. As I recall, you attempted to pass off a Volkswagen Beetle imported into AutoCAD from Lightwave as your own work for your [second-level drafting] course. Your lack of academic integrity is appalling.

What makes it worse is when you show up for one of my classes, usually late, you expect me to explain everything all over again. You also expect me to explain to you the fundamental mathematics upon which CAD is based. In fact, the Algebra/Trig course that's required for the Associate's degree explains everything you've admitted to me that you don't know, in front of other students in the course, about the mathematical expressions you're unable to solve. How on Earth do you expect me to have any sympathy for you whatsoever?

For the first four weeks of the course, you spent your time trying to extract answers from [Student #2], and you did so in front of me; I'm not deaf, you know. This was extremely aggravating and distracting for her, and she complained to me about it. To this point, I haven't said anything, because I was sure you were going to realize how deep a hole you'd dug yourself, and simply withdraw from my course. Alas, no such luck.
.....................................................
Whatever you do, don't ever tell anyone you know anything about AutoLISP; I have all of the assignments you've submitted as evidence of your cheating and plagiarism. Just so you know, I've copied [Dept. Chair] and [Dean of Students] on this matter. ..................................
Finally, don't bother to submit any other assignments, and don't bother to show up for the final; I won't tolerate your presence in my classroom anymore.

If, for some reason I can't understand, you decide that you want to challenge the grade you've earned, I've left copies of the Final Programming Assignment with [Dept. Chair], that you must complete, on campus, in classroom A, B or C, unassisted (NO INTERNET, no other students!), within 4 hours. The only materials you'll be permitted to use in the completion of the exam are those provided within AutoCAD and Windows Notepad, and the reading assignments I've handed out over the course of the semester. This must be a proctored exam; a member of the [Small Western College] CAD Department, and for objectivity, someone other than myself, must monitor your completion of the exam. I will leave a copy of the answers to the assignment with [Dept. Chair], so that he may grade it, and you may have whatever grade you earn on the assignment as your final semester grade.

From student to J.L., after getting the above e-mail:
I would like to get right to the heart of the matterand address your assumption of cheating.Your out right accusal of plagiarism to the head ofthe department as well as the head of the school formy expulsion without direct confrontation ordiscussion with myself about the matter in person orby other means is aggravating to say the least. Icertainly wish you would have just spoken with mefirst.I realize that I have missed many classes thissemester but that should not be taken as a sign that Iwas disinterested in you or your class. I work fulltime and have a forty five minute commute to and fromwork and pick up my wife form work almost every night.In addition to this I am also enrolled in thearchitecture class on tuesdays and thursdays. I am notlooking for any type of sympathy but simply want togive some explanation as to why I was unable to attendevery class.That being said I would not ever resort to cheating ofany type no matter what the situation and am verydisappointed and frustrated that I am being accused ofsuch.During this last semester all of my time, other thanto take a short break to go out and run errands orwhatever was required for the week ahead, was devotedto school and doing homework despite my absence. FromSaturday morning to Sunday night I would be doing myhomework for either your class or my architecturalclass. All of my research for my assignments were donefrom your function research assignment handouts andthe AutoCAD help system with the exception of the lastassignment. [Bonehead Student]

From J.L. to Bonehead Student, after the above pitiful-sounding e-mail:
Let's get a few things straight here; until this incident, you have not regularly shown up for class; email IS the ONLY reliable way I have to reach you. On the rare occasions where you have made an appearance, you have not demonstrated sufficient cause for me to break my routine simply for your convenience. Therefore, you don't have a leg to stand on regarding any discussion. I will not baby-sit you or anyone else; I do NOT have the desire, the time, or the energy to do so, and nowhere in my job description as a member of adjunct faculty does it state that this is one of my duties. My commitment is to teach those who wish to learn. You enrolled in my course voluntarily, which indicated your desire to learn. I expect that, in my course, you conduct yourself as though you desire to learn something of this subject. Your actions have proven otherwise.

Next, I commend your resourcefulness; however, the very definition of plagiarism is the submission of someone else's work as your own, without any credit to the actual author. Additionally, plagiarism need not be word-for-word to be considered such. When the two bodies of the work bear more than coincidental resemblance, without credit to the author, an act of plagiarism has been committed. By copying information from the Autodesk Discussion Groups without citing your sources, YOU ARE PLAGIARIZING SOMEONE ELSE'S WORK! The few snippets of code you've shown below are but a small sample of the greater body of other people's work you've submitted. As for cheating, that may be more difficult to prove, but you've obviously had assistance in completing programming assignments you've not requested from me, and your solutions to those problems bear a remarkable resemblance to the work of other students, both past and present. At the very least, this is evidence of further plagiarism, but is well within the realm of cheating, as the instructions for each of the assignments clearly state that every student must do their own work. You must have forgotten that each person's code-writing style is unique, just like a fingerprint. I've been reading and writing programs in various languages for twenty-seven (27) years now; I can see the styles of the individual programmers in the programs you've submitted, and none of them are your own. Perhaps you'd like argue that Tom Clancy should take credit for the books written by Flannery O'Connor and Ayn Rand?

Now, you've laid down quite a few excuses for your lack of participation in the course. You are an adult, are you not? By law, you're certainly old enough to be considered an adult by the school. It's a pity you can't demonstrate you have the integrity or responsibility of an adult, for yourself, for your actions, or for your own education. Clearly, you've over-committed yourself to things you consider more important that this course. You should have realized this early in the course, withdrawn, and re-enrolled in the course when your other commitments would have allowed. In an effort to keep the juggling act going, you've resorted to actions that discredit you, and if I permit this to continue, to actions that discredit myself and this institution. I have simply decided to put an end to this charade.

Finally, it's obvious that you can only read that which you choose. I've already given you the only option you have for attempting a passing grade for this course. If you can indeed read for comprehension, you will know your next course of action.

Whew! J.L., you have my sincerest sympathy for dealing with this whiny poser, and you win the dubious distinction of E&P's Worst Student Plagiarism Case for Spring Semester 2006. Your prize is an entire pan of homemade Orange Bread from the kitchen of MileHighPixie.

Even if [Bonehead Student] had done all his own assignments, I have a serious problem with anyone who can't put correct punctuation and spacing in the e-mails they send to their professors. Sheesh! Maybe he should change his major to Acting.

On a happier note...

Joel over at Crummy Church Signs was kind enough to post the two photo submissions of terrible church signs that I sent him over the weekend. Thanks, Joel! You have made my week!

Please go visit his site and see all the hilarious, poorly-thought-out church signs he's posted for our snarky enjoyment. There are some priceless ones on there. I try not to drink sodas while browsing his site; you know how it hurts when you laugh and snort anything carbonated up/out the old nose.

Dumbassery

I just averaged up the grade of the student who only turned in one paper all semester long. 10.7, folks. No lie.

Only four more classes to finish up now! Boy, am I ever glad I'm only going to campus for two hours tomorrow.

Cinco (y Seis) de Mayo

This was my Cinco de Mayo--Jose Cuervo and a #3 Combo from Taco Hell. And damn, it was good. Luckily, I only made myself one strong margarita, so I had no hangover today when it was time to go to the Cotton Pickin' Fair (in Gay, Georgia) with Mom & Steve. I am still full from the huge amount of food we ate today. Five dollars is a small price to pay for admission to such a treasure trove of down-home food and gorgeous crafts.

Will post more on that tomorrow. I need another dose of Pepto.

Stupid Student Tricks, Spring 2006 Edition

Just when I think they can do nothing new to surprise me...

1. Two weeks ago, I let all my D2U classes know what was supposed to be in their final writing portfolios: two revised essays and the research paper. Get this: I just received an e-mail from a student saying that she "didn't know" that all three of these assignments were to be included in the final portfolio. This student's two essays "have been erased" from her computer. (Passive verb voice = guilt.) I told her she had two options: retype #1 and #2 from scratch over the weekend for reduced credit, or just take an F in the class. The final portfolio is 25% of the total grade. If only 1/3 of the required assignments are in there, I can't give it full credit. Gotta have something in there to grade!
2. I stayed in my office until 2pm today--one full hour after the deadline for portfolios--just in case someone had had an emergency and was running late. (Sometimes students do have real crises at bad times; they're not all fakers.) So, at 2:05, I counted up who had been to my office to turn in the final portfolio. Current tally: seven students have earned themselves an F.
3. One student in my 10am comp class has been to class every day this semester, has participated in class and paid attention, yet has turned in only one essay. I received an e-mail from her 15 minutes before the portfolio deadline with a note reading: "This is all that I have. I'm sorry that I'm missing my research paper and my essay #2." Oops! Make that eight students who've earned themselves an F.

I'm sure I'll have more Stupid Student Tricks to post in the days to come. Still haven't heard back from the diva in #1.

Politics makes strange bed-fellows.*

Not to mention candidates' names.

This fellow is running for circuit court clerk over in Alabama; my mom happened to find his card under her truck's windshield wiper as she was walking out of a feed-and-seed store (that's "garden supply store," for you city folk) over there last week. On the back are the 2006 football schedules for Auburn, Alabama, and Jax State. Got to appeal to all possible constituents, right?

I bet poor James really got picked on in school for his name. Maybe that's why he's into politics now--he's compensating for that name. Guess it could've been worse, though; I went to elementary school with a girl whose last name was Dick. No, really. That was her real last name.

*Charles Dudley Warner, 1829-1900.

Tired of tired.

I am tired, and that pretty much sums it up. I have two big deadlines to make within the next 24 hours. Well, no, three deadlines. I have to make up AM4C essay topics, then grade AM4C papers by 8:00 this evening. In the morning, I have to have final grades at SBCC by 10am Eastern time. Of course, sleeping is nearly impossible, so I'm running on just a few hours of shut-eye, and that makes me cranky and bitchy and hard to deal with.

Tonight's AM4C lecture will be very short--it's mostly on research papers and using sources correctly. Mostly, I'm tired of being so tired, and hopefully I can begin to catch up on my sleep this coming weekend. My D2U students turn in their final portfolios tomorrow afternoon, and then I have until May 10 to get all the final grades in.

I'll blog more later. Until then, I have papers to grade before I sleep...papers to grade before I sleep.

[edit]
Those AM4C papers are not getting graded tonight. To hell with it. The students will have to wait until next Tuesday. Tough titty. They'll have a whole ten days to write their next essay, so I don't really want to hear it.

I need one of these.

It's times like these, when I'm grading dozens of papers every single day, when I want to wear this shirt wherever I go. "That's right, suckas. I am the Grammar Police. I pity the fool who turns in a paper full of editing errors!"

Bless One Horse Shy for these witty, timely shirts. (That's their shirt photo, BTW.) OHS's "Bad Grammar Makes Me [sic]" shirt is also priceless. You can find all these in the "Highbrow" section of their site. They have a great selection of wearables for brainy people.

Maybe I should put together a Wish List to go on this site. First on the list: a gross (that's 144) of Pilot Precise V5 or V7 pens, red ink. I've used up three in the last two weeks.

It's hard out here for a cat

When you're as cute as Lewis, life is rough. Pimpin' ain't easy, y'all.

How to Make $500K and Embarrass Yourself in Front of the Whole World

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12594078/
MSNBC.com: Publisher Cancels Harvard Author's Book Deal

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5369768
NPR: 'How Opal Mehta Got Kissed,' then Got Pulled

As soon as I can get myself a (bootleg) copy of How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life, I'm going to buy it, and I'll get Megan McCafferty's teen novels, too. This way, I can show my students, live and in living color, the ugly face of plagiarism. The similarities between the three novels are stunning--listen to or read the above articles and find out for yourself. Last I heard, used copies of Opal Mehta were at #58 on Amazon's Top Sellers List. No new ones seem to be available since Little Brown pulled the book from store shelves a few days ago in utter embarrassment. Who can blame them?

How the hell can you copy almost word-for-word 29 paragraphs of someone else's novel and then claim you "don't know how it happened?" Sheesh.

My students don't seem to understand what's wrong with plagiarism. They don't see what's wrong with something that can earn you a cool half-mil. But what's cool about getting reamed in front of the entire publishing world? And chances are that Ms. Viswanathan will have to return that $500,000 now that Little Brown has cancelled her book deal outright.

At least it gives me material for my comp and lit classes. There's some good that's come of the whole thing.

Pop quiz!

This sign is wrong because:

a. it is punctuated as if there is only one Lady, and Thursday is her night to karaoke

b. $7.95 is way too much for a wing buffet in the middle of the week

c. Something's wrong with the sign?

d. with a name like that, the band probably books a lot of gigs during National Masturbation Month

And the month of self-love would be...you guessed it, May. Don't ask how I know these things.

Sign outside honky-tonk bar, Lee County, Alabama.

Celtics fans, take note

A sentence I just discovered while grading a lit essay:

You get a picture of the war while you are reading at home on your nice cousy couch.

Oh my! Bob Cousy on my couch? Awesome! Mr. Cousy, may I have an autograph while you're sitting here? Yes sir, Havlicek was here last week. He stole the ball! And the La-Z-Boy.